


Second  Chance

by lulublue1234



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Drunk Jeon Jungkook, Explicit Sexual Content, Finding Your Way Home, Hurt Kim Taehyung | V, Hurt/Comfort, I am super sorry for this, M/M, Memory Loss, Namjin story line, Second Chances, Sexual Tension, Taehyung is an adorable potato, Vmon story line, Why do I always make Jungkook a jerk, hopefully
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-17 22:46:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5888224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lulublue1234/pseuds/lulublue1234
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jungkook makes a fatal mistake, one that he doesn't remember.<br/>But when Taehyung smiles, he wonders how he could ever forget.</p><p>Preview: Jungkook never answers...he just stands there stunned, silent, staring, as Taehyung cries harder -- pounding him in chest begging him to answer, to just “say something.”  He doesn’t answer when Taehyung falls limp in his arms, tired of fighting, tired of being the only character in their two person act, tired of loving someone who, “Can’t love anything that’s not yourself.” And even when the older man finally says the words that Jungkook is the most terrified of hearing, “Let’s break up.” Jungkook still says, nothing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Preview

The bar is dark and hushed - like midnight, or the moments just before sleep takes over and everything in your world goes black. But it’s not peaceful, it’s just deafening – to Jungkook the sensation is similar to fingernails scratching along a chalkboard. He’s scared, alone, and brokenhearted.

 

He fucked up, he threw away the best thing he’s ever had.

 

He’s an idiot.

 

_Yes a world class, A-1, stupid-faced idiot._

 

The drink burns as it goes down. It always does, but the sting isn’t from the alcohol – it’s because he knows that no matter how much liquor he consumes he’ll never be able to forget the look in Taehyung’s eyes. The pain in his eyes was like poison piercing Jungkook’s soul. Even now, almost a year later, he still feels the pang. He can’t forget the way the tears painted wet streaks down Taehyung’s beautiful features as he asked, _“Did you ever love me?”_

 

Jungkook never answered - just stood there stunned, silent, staring -- as Taehyung cried harder, pounding him in chest begging him to answer, to just “ _say something.”_ He didn’t answer when Taehyung fell limp in his arms, tired of fighting, tired of being the only character in their two person act, tired from loving someone who, _“Can’t love anything that’s not yourself.”_ And when the older man finally says, the words that Jungkook was most terrified of hearing, _“Let’s break up.”_ Jungkook still said nothing.

 

He had tried to speak, but couldn’t -- his words were lost, stranded on the deserted island of his guilt. Guilt for breaking Taehyung’s heart, guilt for robbing the man of his sunshine smile. Guilt for loving his freedom, his career, his future, more than the man who made every moment of every day worth living.

 

_I’m a fucking idiot._

 

He takes another shot or five. He’s not really counting. Jungkook doesn’t know how many times he has slammed the glass on the counter in a silent demand for the bartender to refill.

 

His head hurts.

 

The room’s spinning.

 

_How many drinks have I had?_

 

Jungkook starts to speak and his voice is loud, he can hear it – but he doesn’t understand what he’s saying.

 

 

_Am I even using words?_

 

He’s not sure, but people are crowding him asking if he’s okay.

 

_No._

 

_I’m not._

_It hurts._

_I hurt._

 

He’s not okay.

 

He doesn’t have Taehyung.

 

It will never be okay.

 

He’s an idiot.


	2. Beautiful Stranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This story will be painful at times, funny at others, and heart warming always (I hope). It's been in my brain for a while, but I was having trouble with getting it in print the way that I wanted. Thanks to Heera (who reads my stories no matter how many times I rewrite), and Bazooka (who is a saint among writers), without them I don't think I'd feel as satisfied as I do about this chapter. 
> 
> ***Jungkook gets a second chance to make things right... even if he can't remember what's wrong.***

The bar is dark and hushed - like midnight, or the moments just before sleep takes over and everything in your world goes black. But it’s not peaceful, it’s just deafening – to Jungkook the sensation is similar to fingernails scratching along a chalkboard. He’s scared, alone, and brokenhearted.

 

Jungkook had been fine. He’d been just fine. For the last 12 months, 365 days, 8765 hours he'd been fine, fucking fine when the letter came. That fucking letter came -- but before then, before then, before the letter, he was fine. Okay, that was a lie, he wasn't fine not at all -- but his acting skills were totally on point.

 

He fucked up, he threw away the best thing he’s ever had.

 

He’s an idiot.

 

_Yes a world class, A-1, stupid-faced idiot._

 

The drink burns as it goes down. It always does, but the sting isn’t from the alcohol – it’s because he knows that no matter how much liquor he consumes he’ll never be able to forget the look in Taehyung’s eyes. The pain in his eyes was like poison piercing Jungkook’s soul. Even now, almost a year later, he still feels the pang. He can’t forget the way the tears painted wet streaks down Taehyung’s beautiful features as he asked, _“Did you ever love me?”_

 

Jungkook never answered - just stood there stunned, silent, staring, as Taehyung cried harder, pounding him in chest begging him to answer, to just _“say something.”_ He didn’t answer when Taehyung fell limp in his arms, tired from fighting, tired from being the only character in their two person act, tired from loving someone who, _“Can’t love anything that’s not yourself.”_ And when the older man finally says, the words that Jungkook was most terrified of hearing, _“Let’s break up.”_ Jungkook still said nothing.

 

He had tried to speak, but couldn’t -- his words were lost, stranded on the deserted island of his guilt. Guilt for breaking Taehyung’s heart, guilt for robbing the man of his sunshine smile. Guilt for loving his freedom, his career, his future, more than the man who made every moment of every day worth living.

 

_I’m a fucking idiot._

 

He takes another shot or five. He’s not really counting. Jungkook doesn’t know how many times he has slammed the glass on the counter in a silent demand for the bartender to refill.

 

His head hurts.

 

The room’s spinning.

 

_How many drinks have I had?_

 

Jungkook starts to speak and his voice is loud, he can hear it – but he doesn’t understand what he’s saying.

 

_Am I even using words?_

 

He’s not sure, but people are crowding him asking if he’s okay.

 

_No._

_I’m not. It hurts. I hurt._

 

He’s not okay.

 

He doesn’t have Taehyung.

 

It will never be okay.

 

He’s an idiot.

 

The agony he feels inside is blinding and – _are the lights flickering?_ Patches of dark blink in between the light.

 

“How much has he had to drink?” an unknown voice asks.

 

Jungkook doesn’t hear the answer because the darkness is beginning to consume him and he embraces it and reaches out for it. There is no pain in the shadows, in the abyss he can breathe because the ache of his mistake can’t find him here.

 

Jungkook hears the impact rather than feels it.

 

He’s wounded, he thinks.

 

His head is like a balloon with too much helium, only instead of floating Jungkook finds himself falling, slipping away and he wonders if he’s invisible. “Holy fuck he’s bleeding,” is the last thing Jungkook hears before his eyes close, and he hopes he never opens them again.

 

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

 

His eyes flutter open, but the light is too bright. He closes them again.

 

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

 

_Where am I?_

 

“Jungkook-ah,” a voice calls him and the sound is familiar and comforting, but he can’t place it.

 

His lids open a tiny crack.

 

_Damn, why is it so bright?_

 

Someone is standing over him, the owner of the voice – he assumes.

 

The man’s eyes are worried and beautiful and Jungkook has the sudden urge (no, need) to reach out and touch, to run his fingers along the angled jaw – but he doesn’t because he doesn’t know who the man is… But despite that he misses that smile, that face, those eyes. He misses--

 

_Who are you?_

 

Jungkook can’t speak - his throat feels dry and it hurts to swallow. The man above him looks apprehensive and Jungkook feels guilty, he wonders if he should apologize and make amends. _But for what?_ A dull pain in his head is forcing his eyes shut once again and Jungkook tries to fight the hostile takeover of his body, but it’s to no avail as the darkness claims him once again.

 

He wakes up the second time to voices and the same damn overly bright light.

 

“He’s been out for a while, is that normal?” It’s that same familiar yet unfamiliar voice.

 

“Well he did take a nasty knock to the head, and his most recent MRI shows some swelling. So, in answer to your question, yes, this is very normal. His body is trying to heal, and in order for it to do that he may fall in and out of consciousness. But you don’t need to worry there are no signs of bruising or bleeding ” Another unrecognizable voice answers.

 

_MRI?_

_Swelling?_

 

Jungkook opens his eyes slowly. He’s more lucid than he was earlier, but the ache in his head is still there. When he tries to move his body feels heavy, like he’s being weighed down by a bag of bricks – he turns his slightly and sees the good-looking man from before talking to another, a doctor judging by the white lab coat.

 

_Hospital?_

_Am I in a hospital?_

 

The beautiful man turns to face him, his frightened eyes softening the instant they meet his.

 

“Kookie-ah, you’re awake,” the man says as he walks towards the bed. Jungkook’s heart tightens, and he feels ashamed and sad and he has no idea why.

 

_Who are you?_

 

The man is even more breathtaking than Jungkook had realized, his olive skin is flawless and so soft like a baby blanket or fluffy clouds – his face is small, angular and adorned with a straight nose and high cheekbones. The man is gorgeous and straddles the line between handsome and pretty so effortlessly it makes Jungkook’s head spin. But what has Jungkook the most captivated and almost in a trance is the man’s gaze, there is no other word to describe it other than intense.

 

The gaze feels like hot coals burning through Jungkook’s skin and he wants to look away -- but he can’t. The eyes are holding him prisoner, and he’s trapped.

 

“Do you need anything?” The voice is deep but the tone is scratchy as though the owner had been crying.

 

“Who are you?” The question was meant to stay in his mind but when it slips past Jungkook’s lips – the look on the other man’s face makes him wish he’d never learned to speak.

 

The silence is deafening. Jungkook’s eardrums feel like they’re going to rupture from the lack of sound as he watches the color slowly drain from the man’s angelic face, as the sunshine smile is hidden by clouds, and the gentleness in the man’s dark brown eyes is replaced by sadness. And yet even now somehow, _somehow_ , somehow the familiar stranger is _still_ the most beautiful creature he’s ever laid eyes on. His heart aches, it hurts, there are tiny needles pricking on the inside and he’s bleeding, and he wants to throw up, run away, hold the man tight and never let him go.

 

But he doesn’t.

 

The man stumbles backward and Jungkook tries to reach out and steady him but he’s tangled in wires and cords attached to beeping machines like a fly in spider’s web. He can only stare, lost in the man’s stunned expression – pain heavy in him, thick like molasses or honey, and Jungkook (as illogical as the thought is) wonders if the emotions would taste as sweet on his tongue.

 

The man turns and a sick feeling rushes through Jungkook - he knows, he knows, he fucking _knows_ what will come next. Loneliness, sadness, the emptiness of not having the beautiful man close. Despite the pain that is evident in the other’s eyes – Jungkook doesn’t want the familiar stranger to step even one foot through the door.

 

“Don’t.” His voice is a barely there, like the sound of the quiet wind whispering against a leaf. But the man must have heard because he stops and Jungkook exhales the breath he’d been holding.

 

“Why?” And it’s audible now -- the ache, the pain which had before only been a reflection in the man’s dark brown eyes.

 

“Because, because, because --” He doesn’t know why - there’s no tangible reason that he should need the stranger to stay but so many intangible ones. “Because if you leave I feel like I might disappear, and I don’t know why, and it sounds crazy – but please, stay here... with me.”

 

The man turns, the tears streaming down his face, tiny raindrops against his skin somehow making him more beautiful, more ethereal. Standing there painted in sorrow the man looks otherworldly and Jungkook begins to wonder if all of this is a dream. And again he wants to touch, there is a gnawing in the back of his mind that keeps whispering to him that touching will awaken all that’s dead inside of him. Something is telling him that this man is the key to unlocking whatever mysteries are buried within his soul, mysteries that are begging to be unveiled.

 

The man hasn’t moved, even though he’d stopped and turned around – he doesn’t make a move to close the distance, and Jungkook feels like the lack of action goes against the man’s biological make-up. _Why do I think that?_ The man’s mouth opens and Jungkook’s breath catches once again, he’s worried, he’s terrified, he’s just said more than anyone should ever say to a stranger. A complete total stranger, a person he doesn't know, a person he’s never seen before today. A stranger who feels like home, and the warmth of the morning sun, and the happiest moments of life – a stranger he’s just begged to stay.

 

“Okay. Okay, okay – okay I’ll… stay,” the voice is soft and barely there but it resounds through Jungkook’s heart filling up every bit of his darkness with bright, bright, bright blinding light.

 

For the first time since he’d open his eyes Jungkook smiles, and it’s real, and it fills him with hope, and he feels as though a ten thousand pound boulder has been lifted from his shoulders.

 

“Thank you.” The words feel alien like they’re new to Jungkook, as though he’s speaking them in some language other than his native tongue.

 

The man focuses his gaze on Jungkook, pain still visible in his eyes, but there’s something else there too. Something indistinguishable, something else is there hidden in the man’s dark depths, something that Jungkook wants to decipher, there’s something else, something that looks like – hope?

 

“You’re welcome,” the stranger says - and it sounds like a treaty, a cease-fire to the war going on between Jungkook’s emotions. It sounds like the chance that Jungkook has been waiting for (the one he doesn’t remember needing). “It’s Taehyung, Kim Taehyung. My name is Kim Taehyung, Taehyung – Kim Tae…” The man stops, his voice cracking over his name.

 

Jungkook wonders if it’s weird that he liked the man repeating his own name over and over again, wonders if it’s weird that he could listen to Kim Taehyung say his name for the rest of eternity and still think he hadn’t heard it enough. He wonders why, what, when, he wonders at all the wondering he has done because of a stranger that feels like home, life, and the stars and the moon. He wonders yet again, who are you?

 

“Taehyung, Kim Taehyung – it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

 

This time, it’s Taehyung who smiles, and it isn’t _just_ like sunshine, it _is_ sunshine, warm and bright, illuminating the dark. It’s blinding and Jungkook’s eyes close on instinct soaking up the rays, basking in the glorious unabashed glow that is heating his skin and radiating in his soul. The name _Kim Taehyung_ is written behind his lids and Jungkook doesn’t wonder how it got there, he knows why, it’s the magic of the beautiful familiar stranger.

 

_Kim Taehyung._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys I wanted to say thank you for your patience with me. This story has taken a while to update. I am trying to be a more conscious writer, I think you all deserve the best story I can give. This story will be a journey, and while there will be angst look forward to fun interactions as well. Like my Nammin story (http://archiveofourown.org/works/5853430/chapters/13491589) this story will be updated slowly. 
> 
> You can also find this story here: (http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1083770/2/second-chance-angst-romance-memoryloss-jungkook-taehyung-taekook-vkook). 
> 
> Also, if you super love this story (or hate it) and want to let me know you can find me here (https://www.tumblr.com/blog/lulublu1014), and here @lsgrlr. Come talk to me, I don't bite -- at least not today.
> 
> Also, please kudos and comment. 
> 
> Happy Reading  
> Lulu


	3. Don't Apologize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the emotional trauma, I am about to release upon you, I apologize. But I swear it will be worth it. Also, I wanted to thank you to Bazooka (who is busy with her own stories) for taking the time to help me find my voice. This story is a journey that I hope you all will take with Jungkook, Taehyung, and I.

**Taehyung**

 

“Hyung, you’re kidding me, right?” Taehyung’s voice is loud and he knows it, but what Jin just said has him reeling in disbelief. “You can’t possibly be serious, there is no way I’ll survive that, you know I won’t. I barely survived when he walked out the first time. How can you ask me to let him back in?”

 

“That’s not what I’m asking, Tae, and you know it.” Jin’s voice is soft and velvety and normally one word from his eldest hyung is enough to calm Taehyung down, but not this time. “You know I wouldn’t suggest it if there were another way. As your brother, I want nothing more than to beat the crap out of him for what he did to you, but as Jungkook’s doctor, this is the right decision for him.”

 

Taehyung knows Jin would never ask if he didn’t believe it was absolutely necessary. He wants to scream at Jin letting him that he’s not ready, not ready to open that door, not ready to open his home -- he’s just not ready. Jungkook had broken his heart - shattering it like glass the day he left - even now, a year later, Taehyung is still pulling out splinters, still searching for missing parts of his broken soul. It’s been a little over three hundred and sixty-five days and Taehyung still doesn’t feel whole. (This is fucking crazy.) _This is fucking crazy.)_

 

When Jin informed him that Jungkook had written Taehyung’s address down as his own he’d thought his brother was joking. It used to be their home, the place where they swore to grow old together, the place they planned to raise a family, the place… the place that Jungkook walked out of without ever looking back. Hearing Jin say Jungkook wrote their home has another piece of Taehyung’s heart falling to the floor. The world feels like it has halted its movement and is no longer spinning, he can’t think straight, he can’t form sentences, he can’t swallow down the knot that has throat locked up.

 

He looks up at Jin.

 

“I-I don’t think I can do that. I mean I really don’t think I can do that.” Taehyung frantically paces about Jin’s office. “No. No. No, I can’t. He can’t... It nearly killed me hyung. Killed me, I can’t. I just-”

 

Taehyung stops walking and throws himself down to slouch in a chair. Jin rises from his desk, walks to his younger sibling, pulls Taehyung out of the chair and into his arms.

 

“I wouldn’t ask you to do this if it wasn’t necessary, Tae. Jungkook has a form of retrograde amnesia and it’s quite different from anything I have witnessed before.” Jin breathes in, as though he needs to choose his next words carefully, and he hugs Taehyung a little tighter. “It seems, it looks as though… God there’s just no right way to say this, the only thing Jungkook seems to have forgotten is _you_.”

 

The words are like a bullet, piercing Taehyung’s already fragile form - and for a brief moment he swears his heart has stopped beating. Taehyung can’t hear anything, but the silence is still punctuated with Jin’s words. Not only had Jungkook walked away, but now, now he had forgotten, completely.

 

_I’m the only thing he doesn’t remember?_

 

Taehyung stiffens in Jin’s arms, his breath hitting Jin’s skin in hard puffs as he struggles to get air. He wonders how much worse it can get, how many different ways can this one person break him?

 

_I am the only thing he doesn’t remember._

 

“It’s the only way, Tae. The only way.” Jin tightens his hold as Taehyung sinks into him rocked by sorrow.

 

He cries, hard.

 

There’s nothing else he can do, no other way for him to express the pain he feels at this moment. He wants to say no, wants to tell Jin that he’d rather watch Jungkook burn in hell than help him. He doesn’t though, he knows it’s a lie, he knows that even now, after all that he has gone through, after all the hurt and sleepless nights he still loves him, and if Jungkook needs him, then… he’d be there.

 

“I’m so sorry Taehyung-ah. I wish I could make it better, but I will be there no matter what. You won’t be doing this alone. I swear.” Jin’s words are a whisper, a sound that tickles his ear but has no definitive meaning. No matter how many people gather around him, Taehyung is certain he’ll still be going through this alone.

 

He cries harder.

 

*****

Three days later, Jungkook is cleared to leave the hospital. Jin had explained to him the particulars of his condition and Jungkook was about as shocked and worried as could be expected, riddling the doctor with questions trying to wrap his brain around the information. _Is it permanent? What do you mean I’ve only forgotten one thing? Is that even possible? Wait? One person? I know him?_ Jungkook looked at Taehyung on more than one occasion and asked, _“Is it true? Is all of this true? Because it’s crazy. You think it’s crazy too, right?”_

 

Taehyung wholeheartedly agrees, _it’s fucking crazy_.

 

Fucking crazy, he repeats the statement again in his head while walking behind Jungkook’s wheelchair which is being pushed by a friendly and talkative nurse. Jungkook is slumped in the chair as though buckled down by an invisible weight. Taehyung wonders again what possessed him to say yes, _this is stupid, beyond stupid, this is crazy_. He is about to bring home the person who ripped his heart to shreds and didn’t even have the decency to hand him a band-aid. He’s about to take home the person whose name keeps him up at night, the person whose warmth he misses the most... and he’s not sure if this means he’s a glutton for punishment or just insane. He’s about to bring home a person who has wiped his existence from their memory banks ( _a person who I will remember even after I die_ ).

 

For umpteenth time Taehyung thinks, _this is crazy_.

 

The drive is quiet and tense, the silence is so thick Taehyung is sure he could cut it with a knife. He can feel the stress of all their unsaid words like weights tied to his ankles, pulling him down and drowning him in the uncomfortable hush. Every minute sound is heightened and Taehyung notices noises he’s never paid much attention to before, like the way the tires impact the road with a _thud, thud, thud_ or the way the air from the vents creates a soft but constant _swish_.

 

He thinks he can hear his heart as well, pounding in his chest as a reminder that what he’s doing _is just too irrational, all of this is just too irrational_. He sneaks a peek at Jungkook, whose brows are furrowed in anxiety, causing his forehead to crinkle. One too many memories of smoothing those lines from Jungkook’s face as he slept bombards him and Taehyung tries to push away the memories. He needs to create sound before more memories invade and drag him further into this abyss.

 

“So, are you happy to be leaving the hospital?” Taehyung asks, hoping to distract them both from their thoughts.

 

“Well, I should be, right?” Jungkook pauses and Taehyung braces himself for what comes next. He’s sure that hearing he has amnesia is a shock to Jungkook and if memory serves him correct, Jungkook is not one to handle unexpected events smoothly. “But, I just recently learned that the house I think is mine, is actually yours. It seems I know you, quite intimately or so I assume, based on the how the doctor was speaking – do you two know each other? Do I know him too?”

 

Taehyung’s heart breaks again not because he’s been forgotten, this time it’s the look of distraught and confusion that colors Jungkook’s face, that has him bleeding internally. This is stupid, really, he should hate Jungkook, he shouldn’t care what the man is feeling. He should feel a sense of justification at knowing that Jungkook is hurting too, but he doesn’t. He cares (maybe too much) and the fracture in his heart splinters a little more.

 

“Yes… To both.” Taehyung’s voice is soft.

 

“Oh.” Jungkook is quiet again.

 

They drive for a while without saying anything.

 

“This is fucked up,” Jungkook blurts out suddenly.

 

“That it is,” Taehyung agrees wholeheartedly.

 

“I’m sorry.” Jungkook looks out the window as he speaks.

 

Taehyung is not sure if the apology is for him or for the situation in general, he doesn’t respond even though he wants clarification. Instead, he swallows all that he’s feeling and focuses on driving.

 

“I am sorry I don’t remember you. You, I--” Jungkook sighs and Taehyung can feel the piano-sized guilt that is holding the man down, he’s about to say it’s okay when Jungkook speaks again. “You don’t seem like someone I’d want to forget.” The sentence is so soft Taehyung almost misses it.

 

His heart is pounding so hard that he thinks he is having a heart attack. He needs air, he needs a moment away from this, from Jungkook. Taehyung feels that familiar sting in his eyes, _no I won’t cry. I won’t_.

 

“Do you want coffee? I need coffee, maybe with a shot of vodka in it. I need, I just-”

 

“I get it hyung, I do. I really am sorry. I’ve been feeling apologetic to you from the moment I laid eyes on you. Even though I don’t remember, I can feel that there is something, something unspoken, unresolved? I’m not sure what I’m saying. Fuck - this is all so surreal, illogical. I’m sorry.” Jungkook’s voice breaks a bit, and Taehyung feels the first tear run down his cheek.

 

He pulls the car over and stops he needs a moment to compose himself.

 

“It’s okay,” he says as he escapes the car.

 

It’s not okay, not at all, not one bit.

 

That man sitting in his car looking contrite and apologetic-- that man had broken his heart. _That_ man had walked out without looking back, without contact, without giving him the slightest shred of hope that he’d come back. That man does not have, _has not earned_ , the right to apologize.

 

He walks without knowing where he’s going, his head is swimming, spinning in a crazy bout of vertigo. A hand on his arm stops him, and he wants to scream, but he doesn’t. _His grip is still so firm_. He doesn’t try to escape. He’s been waiting for this moment, for Jungkook to stop him, to hold him, _to want him back_.

 

“I’m sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now. I may not remember you, but from the moment I opened my eyes and saw you, I knew you. Fuck this is stupid, I sound like a crazy person.” Jungkook tightens his grip, and Taehyung would complain except for the fact that he’s a hundred percent sure that Jungkook’s grip is the only thing keeping him upright.

 

They stand there for what feels like years, neither speaking, not facing each other, with Jungkook’s hand gripping Taehyung’s arm like a vice. They stay there until Taehyung’s breathing becomes even, until his legs no longer feel like jelly. They remain there until he has the strength to turn and look Jungkook in the eyes.

 

“You’re not allowed to apologize anymore. Not till you know why. Not till you understand why, Jungkook. The next time you tell me you’re sorry, you need to remember me.” He pulls his arm out of Jungkook’s grip and walks back to the car.

 

 

**Jungkook**

 

Taehyung’s words knock the air out of his lungs. He’s visibly shaking, or at least he thinks he is - he can feel it. Everything about Taehyung throws him off balance, like a top spinning endlessly with no stop in sight. He’s been on edge since the first moment he saw Taehyung, and not knowing why has him feeling a bit insane. Taehyung is like a story he knows but the details are fuzzy, Jungkook feels connected to and disconnected from him at the same time. It’s as though some invisible thread has them sewn together and each time Taehyung moves in an opposite direction Jungkook feels the tug.

 

He hadn’t planned on getting out of the car, but after ten minutes of waiting, he began to worry Taehyung wasn’t going to return. It didn’t take long to find him. He spotted Taehyung walking aimlessly and the sight before him briefly reminded him of a zombie movie. He followed the man for a bit not ready to confront him. After several minutes of just walking and watching, he jogs to close the distance between them and grabs Taehyung’s upper arm.

 

Touching Taehyung carries that same familiar yet somewhat unfamiliar sensation he had felt at the hospital. Jungkook’s insides coil tightly but he’s not sure why, so he just pushes past the sensation. He needs Taehyung to come back, he’s tired emotionally and physically, he just needs to stop and recoup.

 

“I’m sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now. I may not remember you in my head. But from the moment I opened my eyes and saw you, I knew you. Fuck this is stupid, I sound like a crazy person.” The words come out without any thought or practice, and it’s the truth: he feels crazy.

 

Taehyung stands silent for a while longer and Jungkook worries that he may have made the situation worse somehow. He feels Taehyung turn in his grip. They are face to face and Jungkook’s heart stops beating. Taehyung is beautiful with lashes wet with tears and a slight flush of red coloring his skin. His lips are pursed tightly looking more line-like than lip-like, and Jungkook is fighting (with all his strength) not to touch.

 

His free hand is losing the battle as it slowly begins to rise; the urge, the need, the desire to reach out and feel Taehyung is so overwhelming. He’s almost within reach, his fingers aching to feel the warmth of Taehyung’s skin. His heart is thrashing wildly in his chest, knocking so hard that Jungkook fears it may break through the barrier of his skin. He’s almost succeeded in touching when Taehyung speaks.

 

“You’re not allowed to apologize anymore. Not till you know why. Not till you understand why, Jungkook. The next time you tell me you’re sorry, you need to remember me.”

 

Taehyung’s harsh words has Jungkook’s brain snapping back to the present as his eyes watch the man move further and further away.

 

The air is slowly returning to his lungs. He can breathe again, he inhales deeply just to be sure. He knows that Taehyung is right, he needs to remember. He had forgotten Taehyung. Jungkook knows that whatever happened between them was his mistake (he’s sure of it). How else can he explain the need to apologize all the time? He starts to walk following Taehyung at a distance.

 

 _“This is the last time I am apologizing to you Taehyung-ah. I’m sorry. I’m not sure what I did, but I hurt you and it feels like I’m watching you bleed out when you look at me. I’ll figure it out I swear, I’ll do whatever I have to, to remember. And once I do, I swear on my life I’ll never forget you again.”_ Jungkook speaks the words silently to the air, to the universe, to God.

 

He will remember.

 

**come visit me[ here](http://lulublu1014.tumblr.com/), let's chat**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna lie that was really emotionally jarring.  
> Sorry.  
> *bows, then hands tissues out to everyone* 
> 
> This story plagues me, and I can't help but write it. I hope it wasn't too traumatic.  
> As always let me know what you think. Your comments mean so much to me. Share your thoughts on where you see this going, or on how you think Tae will treat Jungkook once they're home. Also, who you'd like to see make an appearance. 
> 
> Thank you to @eryx4v for letting me bounce ideas off her, and having a better grasp of the English language than I do. lol
> 
> Happy Reading  
> Lulu


	4. The Need For Air

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jungkook is much too close for Taehyung's comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been like a thousand years since I updated. Sorry guys. I will try to be more consistent from now on.  
> The amazing Bug has once again made this readable, so send her love guys.

“So you don’t remember Tae at all?” Jimin asks, sitting next to him on a couch he remembers sleeping on numerous nights, but isn’t his… in a house he thinks he owns but doesn’t, and all of this _just fucking feels like the worst nightmare ever._

“He’s familiar, his scent, his touch, his voice. It’s almost like that feeling you get when you’re trying to remember a dream, you can sense it occurred, but you can’t recall it.” Jungkook sighs heavily. He's pretty sure he’s not conveying his thoughts clearly, but how the fuck is he supposed to do that when _none of this makes sense?_

“Wow. Just…wow,” Jimin says, staring at him with wide bewildered eyes. “Poor Taehyung,” the man says then catches himself. “I mean poor you too, but Tae was so broken after you left, and…” JImin suddenly stops.

“And, what?” Jungkook may have asked a little too eagerly.

“I… uhmm, we promise Taehyung we won’t lead you. He wants you to recover your memory on your own. Something about if we told you then he’d never be sure you actually remembered.”  
Jungkook wants to scream, ‘what the hell’ because, _what the hell?!_

“Hyung, who cares how I remember, as long as I remember?” Jungkook questions.

“Taehyung does, Jungkook,” Jimin says softly, ”and you may not remember, but you owe him. Big.” Jimin emphasizes the last word.

Jungkook runs his hand through his hair, a nervous habit he picked up from Jimin, and he would laugh except at this moment nothing is funny.

“Sorry,” Jimin sounds guilty. “This is probably really hard for you, too. I don’t want you to think I’m taking sides. I’m not. None of us are. It’s just-”

“Us?” Jungkook cuts Jimin off.

Jimin inhales and Jungkook can tell he’s trying to figure out how best to answer his question. He almost laughs out loud when Jimin runs his own hand through his thick black hair.

“The thing is Kookie,” his friend (who’s Taehyung’s friend too) says slowly, “the thing is, uhmm, we – fuck there’s just no easy way to say this. We all know Taehyung, all of us, the whole gang. We’re all his friend too.”

Jungkook takes a moment. He stares at Jimin blankly, the words not sinking in. He feels like he’s watching the letters as they leave Jimin’s mouth and enter his ears, only they’re jumbled and he has a hard time sorting them, but when they settle… when all the dots connect, Jungkook is seized by terror, because if he really is the bad guy in this drama then he’s going to be facing his past all alone. Because his friends will loyally protect the victim… Taehyung.

“Fuck, that’s just… damn it to hell. Fuck.” Jungkook jumps up from the couch and turns to face Jimin (mind having fully grasped the magnitude of the situation). “Everyone?”

Jimin nods and it looks like slow motion, “Yes everyone.”

“Fuck.” It’s the last thing Jungkook says before bolting out the door.

 

 *********  
“What’d you say to him?” Taehyung’s voice is frantic as they scour the neighborhood for Jungkook.

“I may have unwittingly led him to believe that all his friends were on your side,” Jimin answers sheepishly.

“What?” Taehyung stops and turns to face the shorter man.

“I swear, it wasn’t what I meant,” Jimin waves his hands about wildly, “but I gather from his speedy exit that’s how he took it.”

“Damn it Jimin. You know how he is. Couldn’t you have been a little more careful?”

“I’m sorry Tae, it just came out. When… when he asked I – all I could do was answer.”

Taehyung stops walking; he needs a minute. What the hell is wrong with me? He left me, he forgot me, why the hell am I looking for him? He considers turning around and going back home, but he doesn’t. He tells himself it’s because he’s responsible for the younger man, that he’d promised his brother. Deep down he knows it’s a lie, but he’s going to force himself to believe it.

 _You’re an idiot Kim Taehyung_.

“Let’s split up,” he says to Jimin. “You go that way and I’ll take this street. Just text if you find him. I’ll do the same.”

Jimin nods as he walks off in the opposite direction.

Taehyung’s mind is a mess, spinning endlessly like a hamster trapped on a wheel. He’s not sure what he’ll do if he finds Jungkook and silently prays that Jimin is the one to locate the runaway man. Fate, it seems, is not on his side as he spots the man sitting under a tree. Taehyung squints his eyes together, looking in horror at the particular tree, _their tree._

He stops walking. He can’t move, his feet having glued themselves to the asphalt, and he’s stuck with tears burning at his eyes as the memory rudely interrupts his immediate thoughts.

 

*********  
_“Jungkook no!” Taehyung grabs the boy’s hand._

_“I’m doing it Tae,” the boy says, bunny smile as bright as the sun planted on his face._

_“But we’re defacing public property. That’s against the law.”_

_“No, we’re memorializing our love,” Jungkook_ rebutts _._

_Taehyung’s not practically law conscious, at least when it comes to carving initials into trees, but they’re new to the neighborhood, and people can see them. Jungkook is determined, and Taehyung knows he’s going to lose anyway so he caves._

_“Fine, but it better be the best fucking initial carving ever. People better see it as a work of art.”_

_Jungkook laughs hard at the statement. “Tae, who are you talking to? It’s me, remember?_ Jungpicasso _. This will be amazing because you’re_ amazing, _because we’re amazing together. I think it’s only right that we share our amazingness with the world, don’t you?”_

_Taehyung really can’t argue with that. They are amazing together. Jungkook balances him, matching his slightly eccentric personality with his very level-headed and practical one. He watches the younger man chip away carefully at the wood, memorializing their love in the trunk of a cypress tree. When Jungkook finishes he takes a step back, eyeing his handiwork._

_“Come here hyung,” the man says, extending his hand._

_Taehyung walks toward the man, accepting the outstretched arm. When he sees the carving his heart flutters. The words **KT Loves JJ Forever** are embedded in the bark encased in a heart that looks almost 3-D._

_“It’s beautiful.” Taehyung can’t help that his breath hitches when Jungkook squeezes his hand and pulls him close whispering in his ear._

_“No, you’re beautiful,” Jungkook says, placing a kiss on his head._

 

 *********  
The memory hurts; it’s like a knife in his chest. But Jungkook sitting under their tree, not knowing it’s their tree... it feels like the knife has been pushed all the way in, handle and all. He takes a deep breath and prepares himself to make the small trek to where the man is perched against the trunk, pulling at grass blades.

“What did the grass do to deserve this murderous rampage?” Taehyung tries to keep his voice level and humorous. It’s the best way to deal with a grumpy Jungkook.

“Stupid blades had it coming, all green and shit, making me itch,” Jungkook’s reply feels natural. To Taehyung it’s as though they hadn’t separated, as though Jungkook knows who he is, and he’s baffled by the sensation

“Clearly,” he says as he sits beside the man. “You okay?” Taehyung knows his voice sounds strained.

Jungkook looks up and meets Taehyung’s gaze, and the knife in Taehyung’s gut is cutting arteries, causing him to bleed internally. The look in the younger man’s eyes is heartbreaking, and Taehyung wants to draw him close to his chest, run his fingers through the thick, shiny black locks and let Jungkook know it is all going to be okay. But he doesn’t because he can’t, because he doesn’t know it’ll be okay.

“Why are you doing this?” Jungkook’s voice cracks around the words and Taehyung bleeds a little more inside. “Why do you care? Clearly I’m at fault; I’m the one to blame. I fucking don’t know why I don’t remember you, but damn it I want to. I want to know why I left, why the hell would anyone leave someone as selfless as you?” Jungkook is ranting, his words quick and loud and almost linked together as he speaks. “It was me, right? I’m the bad guy in this story, aren’t I?”

Taehyung watches as the tears fall, and he knows he should feel a sense of justice, of vindication, but he doesn’t…it just fucking hurts.

“You’re not a bad person Jungkook. You’re just a man who made a choice, and that choice just happened to exclude me.” Taehyung stops talking suddenly and looks down.

_What the hell am I even saying?_

His eyes lock with Jungkook’s when he finally looks up again.

“I want to remember Taehyung,” Jungkook says sober and determined.

“I know,” Taehyung replies softly. He feels tired and small and _damn it to hell it hurts to look at you._

“You never answered.” He looks at Jungkook quizzically. “Why are you doing this? I’m not sure I would be able to help someone who hurt me as badly as it seems I hurt you. So, why are you doing this?”

Taehyung shrugs. It’s the only response he can give. He’s asked the why question more times than he can count and still hasn’t been able to find an answer.

“It’s the right thing to do, I guess.” His reply is weak and he knows it.

“Is it Taehyung? The right thing I mean?” Jungkook asks.

A part of Taehyung wants to punch the younger man, because _what the hell gives him the right to question?_

“Does it really matter if it is or it isn’t? It’s already done Jungkook, whether it’s the right choice or not, it’s already been made.” Taehyung gets up and takes his cell phone out of his pocket to shoot Jimin a quick text. “Let’s go back, okay?” Taehyung says, voice tired and strained, the stress of the day finally catching up.

On instinct, he holds his hand out to Jungkook, and by the time he realizes what he’s done it’s too late to retract the gesture because Jungkook’s hand is warm and soft and holding his. As firm fingers intertwine with his and a warm palm impacts his cooler one as their hands close in a vice-like grip, the answer to his question of why is answered. Jungkook had always been a bit of a human furnace, as the man’s warm, warm heat invades Taehyung’s mind, leaving him a little off balance and fuzzy, and now the answer is one hundred percent clear. He didn’t say yes to Jin out of a sense of obligation, no. Taehyung said yes for one reason and one reason only…he _misses Jeon Jungkook._

“Thanks,” Jungkook’s voice is breathy and the sound makes Taehyung’s toes curl, and _he needs to get away from this man before he fucking explodes._

“Mmm, don’t worry about it,” Taehyung says, dropping Jungkook’s hand as though it had burned him (it had).

They walk back to the house in silence, and it’s awkward. So many things need to be said, should be said, but Taehyung knows neither of them will bring them up, so they walk.

“D’fuck Jungkook?” Jimin says as he joins them on the street.

“Sorry,” Taehyung smiles a bit at the contrite manner in which the boy apologizes and almost makes a joke that Jimin should log this day, but doesn’t.

“Wait, did you just apologize to me? Wow… wait, am I dead? Is it my birthday?” Jimin feigns shock. “Where’s my dairy? I need to log this day. Jeon Jungkook said sorry to me and seemed to mean it.”

Jungkook laughs, and it’s real, and it makes Taehyung’s heart leap for joy though he wishes it didn’t. He can’t let it happen again, can’t be taken in by innocent smiles and piercing gazes… He can’t let Jungkook find a new way to break his heart.

_Taehyung, are you listening? Guard your heart. Guard it._

“We cool?” Jimin asks Jungkook and the man nods in the affirmative.

Jimin is quiet as they walk and it’s unlike him. Silence usually means Jimin is coming up with a plan. Taehyung is worried about whatever the shorter man is scheming because he just knows it’s going to affect him. He doesn’t have long to wait.

“So, uhm…I was thinking. I know you don’t want us to tell Jungkook anything – also super sorry if the timing here is inappropriate, but really there’ll never be a good time to bring this up. And as best friend to both of you,” Taehyung follows Jimin’s gaze to a flustered Jungkook, “yes both of you Kookie, it’s my duty to be the one to find a solution.

Taehyung is not sure if the feeling that floods his core is relief (probably not), but he’s grateful that Jimin is willing to help them find a way. He wants Jungkook to remember, but he doesn’t want it to be forced or fake. He wants it to be natural, which is why he asked his friends not to tell the Jungkook about the past. Taehyung’s afraid it will cause the man to create memories based on other people’s perspective. He looks up at Jimin.

“Go on,” he says slowly.

“I was thinking what if we do some sort of like, I don’t know, a memory trip?” It’s a rhetorical question. “Like what if instead of telling Kook about the past, we help him relive it? Like you know, uhmm, go to places that could help jog his memory… uhmm, maybe?"

“That’s fucking brilliant hyung,” Jungkook says enthusiastically.

“So how would we do this? I mean would I have--” Taehyung starts.

“No. I’d never put you through that Tae, never,” Jimin says with such passion Taehyung almost hugs him. “I was thinking maybe a different person each week, like Joonie hyung, then Jin hyung, and on down the line. That’s what, five of us? So each one person takes Jungkook around, I mean like after work, then maybe it would help. What do you think?”

Taehyung won’t lie, Jungkook is right. The plan is kind of brilliant.

“It can’t hurt, right?” He turns to Jungkook who’s looking at him expectantly.

“It really can’t. God knows sitting in the house isn’t helping. I get so distr-” the younger man stops speaking and Taehyung eyes him with curiosity, wondering what the unfinished statement is. _Distressed? Distracted?_

By the time they reach the house Taehyung has come to a final decision.

“Let’s do it. But the rules are still remain the same: You can’t tell him what the memory is, and Jungkook you can’t ask. If you can abide within those boundaries, then I think it’s a good idea.” He looks at the two other men.

“Okay, I’ll contact the hyungs and make a plan. I have to get back to work. My lunch was over an hour ago. I’ll call you later.” Taehyung’s is surprised by the tug on his arm as Jimin pulls him away from a wide-eyed Jungkook.

“Before I leave, I just wanted to check. Are you okay?” This time he does hug the man. He can’t help it.

“I am now. Thanks Minnie, for always having my back and Kookie’s too.”

“Always Tae, always. We’ll figure this out, okay?” He nods into Jimin’s shoulder before releasing his friend.

“I’ll call you later Jungkook,” Jimin says as he walks over to the man. “We’re going to figure this out, okay?”

Jungkook nods slowly, his eyes beginning to turn red. Taehyung knows that Jungkook hates crying and he watches as the man fights to keep the tears at bay.

“Jungkook and I are gonna go have some lunch now. Thanks for the help Jimin.” Taehyung hopes the change in subject will alleviate some of the tension he sees on Jungkook’s face.

They say their goodbyes to Jimin and go inside. Taehyung goes straight to the kitchen to prepare them lunch. Jin had dropped off some Kimchi sent by their mom, and he pulls out all the ingredients required for Kimchi fried rice and starts. Taehyung is not a cook, but he can hold his own in the kitchen. Jungkook’s presence finds him cooking more and more, mostly as a means of escape. He’s so focused on what he’s doing he doesn’t hear when the younger man walks up behind him.

“Can I help?” Taehyung is so startled he jumps. Unfortunately, he steps on his own foot and stumbles backwards right into Jungkook’s chest. Luckily he has the presence of mind to drop the pot on the stove.

“Are you okay?” Jungkook’s breath fans across his neck and the sensation sinks into his skin and travels all the way to his gut, tightening and curling. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” The man’s voice is thick and Taehyung knows Jungkook is affected too.

They’ve always had this thing between them, an uncontrollable attraction, like a magnet pulling them together. When they first started dating they touched a lot. It couldn’t be helped. Even now the urge to touch Jungkook is profound. He’s spent more nights than he’d like to admit standing in front of Jungkook’s door, explaining to himself why climbing into bed with someone who doesn’t remember you is a bad idea.

So when Jungkook’s hand slides down to his hip, Taehyung knows he should move. When he feels and hears Jungkook’s breathing quicken again, he knows he should move. When Jungkook’s lips graze his neck and a broken, “Fuck Taehyung” is whispered into his skin, he does move, like lightning, like The Flash, like the speed of light.

Out the kitchen.

Down the hall.

Through the door.

_He fucking needs some air._

 

 

_***** come visit me[here](lulublu1014.tumblr.com)*****_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you just need some air.  
> Hope you all enjoy. Also if you like the story please comment and let me.  
> Happy reading  
> Lulu


	5. If I Do...Is There A Chance?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jungkook has trouble sleeping, Taehyung is the perfect sleep-aid.
> 
> or 
> 
> Hermit crabs make everyone sleepy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TO MY DEAR READERS  
> I sincerely apologize for the late updates recently. I want you all to know I appreciate that you stay. I promise to do better. I also promise I will not abandon stories they will be completed. Thank you so much for your patience with me.

Jungkook thinks Taehyung may be a ninja. The man has been skillfully avoiding him since their near miss in the kitchen several days ago. He understands why Taehyung is staying away. What he doesn’t understand is why he finds it so unbearable, why every fiber of his being wants the man near, needs the man near?

_What are you, Taehyung?_

Sleep’s been playing a wild game of hide-and-seek with him for the last few nights as well. His bed feels like a sack of potatoes. It’s so lumpy and so hot it seems as though sometime during the night his room had been moved to the fifth layer of hell. Jungkook kicks off the covers in frustration. His pajamas are sticking to his skin, and the material feels like burlap, stiff and itchy; he’s so uncomfortable. An irritated sigh escapes his lips because he knows that none of the discomforts he’s currently experiencing are the reason why his eyes won’t close, nor why his mind can’t seem to quiet down. No, his lack of peace is due to one thing: the memory of Taehyung’s lithe, slender body pressed against his, and how it felt…like the missing piece of a puzzle, like the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, like _the peanut butter to his jelly?_

He shakes his head. _What the fuck mind?_ He sighs again and flips over on his side, forcing his eyes to stay shut. They don’t. They can’t. Even now, days later, he can feel the ghost of Taehyung trembling against him. Jolts of electricity course through his core, and _fuck Taehyung’s skin is impossibly soft_. His only intention when Taehyung slipped that day was to steady him, but the lanky man landed against him and it felt, _it felt so freaking right_. His fingers are twitching at the memory. He’s never wanted to touch anything or anyone so badly. He couldn’t stop his hand from gripping Taehyung’s hip, and God, what he’d do to have them there again.

“Fuck, brain, stop. Just. Stop.”

However, his mind’s not listening as pictures of Taehyung sinking, falling, almost giving all the way in to his touch flitters behind his eyes like scenes from a movie.

“Ahhh, fuck, stop,” he yells, in a vain attempt to shut out the feeling of Taehyung’s skin against his lips.

He jumps out of bed.

He’s losing the battle.

The hallway is dark as he steps into it. He looks to the left, and his eyes fall on Taehyung’s bedroom door. He can’t help but wonder what it’d be like to fall asleep in Taehyung’s arms.

“Fuck, Jungkook, stop. Stop it. You’re a grown ass man and the villain in this drama. So just fucking stop,” he reprimands himself.

He walks to the living room and switches on a table lamp before dropping on the couch. He’s physically exhausted, emotionally tired, and mentally drained. He’s lost all his fight, and he hates it, this feeling of helplessness. Jungkook’s always prided himself on being able to tackle any obstacle, leap any hurdle, climb any mountain, but this, this is… _too damn much._

“Can’t sleep either?” Taehyung’s voice startles him, and he turns to find a silhouette behind the couch in the dimly lit room.

“Hyung?” As the question falls from his lips, he wonders how he knows that Taehyung’s older. It hits him that he doesn’t know if the man is older. “Are you a hyung?”

Jungkook squints his eyes when there is no immediate answer, making sure the figure is still standing behind him. 

“Yes,” the man murmurs, and it’s so quiet Jungkook wonders if he actually heard it. 

“Can I, I mean would it be okay… can I call you hyung?” Jungkook’s not sure where the question came from. He wasn’t thinking it.

Taehyung doesn’t answer at first, and Jungkook slouches tensely on the couch, wondering if he’ll ever get it right. Will he ever know the right thing to say, to ask? 

“Yes.” The reply is almost a whisper, and Jungkook feels the ache in Taehyung’s voice like a slap in the face.

“Why are you up, hyung?” As the question leaves his lips, it dawns on Jungkook that he knows why. 

_He knows why._

Taehyung’s just as affected as he is. He felt it from the first moment he opened his eyes and saw the man’s worried face staring back at him, the invisible cord that pulls him towards the man, like opposite ends of the world’s strongest magnet. The knowledge has the tips of his fingers tingling, the need to touch so strong. 

“Just couldn’t sleep.” Taehyung comes to sit on the couch as far as he can from Jungkook without falling off. He’d laugh at the man’s action, but it’s not funny. 

Jungkook’s staring and he knows it, but he can’t stop. Taehyung’s stunning even in the dim lighting, with tired eyes and flushed skin, his red and white striped pajamas hanging loosely on his slender frame, and Jungkook fights the urge to tangle his hands in the soft looking material. The room is quiet except for their breathing, and the silence is deafening. Jungkook open his mouth to say something, anything, but Taehyung beats him to it. 

“So, my brother gave me this video a while back about the mating rituals of hermit crabs. On nights like this when I can’t sleep I normally watch it. It’s boring as hell and usually knocks me out within minutes.” He turns to Jungkook with unsure eyes. “Uhm, wanna try it?” 

“Sure, let’s do it.” He answers too quickly, and Taehyung’s gaze lingers a bit longer. 

As advertised, the video is coma inducing, and Jungkook finds himself yawning and snuggling up to the arm rest on his side of the couch. Sleep comes soon after, and he makes a mental note to buy himself a copy of the DVD.

 

The sun is glaring down from God knows where, but Jungkook doesn’t want to open his eyes. He feels so comfortable, a delicious warmth engulfing him, and he snuggles deep into it. He pulls the soft, firm _pillow_ _(?)_ , _blanket_ _(?)_ closer and sighs before contentedly falling back to sleep. The next time Jungkook opens his eyes it’s brighter than before, as though the sun’s angry at him for ignoring it previously. He feels groggy, almost hungover from having slept too much, but the cozy warmth is still there. It’s still soft, and he still doesn’t want to move. He tightens his arms around the soft fluffiness and pulls it closer, reveling in the sweet, sweet, sweet luxuriousness that lies flush against his body.

He smiles, then panics, when a contented sigh causes a puff of air to tickle the nape of his neck.

 _Fuuuuuuck! His pillow is not a pillow at all._  

 _Taehyung._  

Jungkook cracks an eye open to find Taehyung lying halfway across his chest, with one slender arm draped at his left side. His question from earlier answered. Falling asleep (and waking up) with Taehyung is perfect. Soft, tan skin pressing into his as puffs of warm breath create goose bumps along his neck, and yeah, no other word, it’s… _perfect._  

Guilt begins to knock at the door of his conscience, imploring him to wake the older man up. Jungkook ignores the small voice pushing him to do the right thing. He won’t listen, he can’t (even if he should). It all feels so right, Taehyung’s weight against him, Taehyung’s heat mixing with his, Taehyung’s breath fanning at his skin. His fingers twitch against the edge of Taehyung’s night shirt, the fabric having shifted, causing warm, smooth flesh to impact the tips. Jungkook’s brain is screaming, yelling, telling him to stop, to move, to not add one more thing to his already long list of offenses. His heart is pounding, thumping, _pumping_ in his chest like cymbals crashing together. 

He tells himself not to touch, not to invade, but Taehyung’s so inviting, so damn inviting. His self-control dwindles further when, without warning, Taehyung shifts in his sleep and Jungkook loses the battle completely. Taehyung’s slender body rolls completely on top of him. Long, toned legs slot between his own, a soft whine escaping Taehyung’s mouth, and the damn night shirt has ridden up further, and… 

_Fuck!_

A trembling palm lies flat against Taehyung’s silky, smooth skin, and Jungkook’s heart is a snare drum in his ear. 

 _Don’t_ , he warns himself. _Don’t._  

Instead of pulling the shirt down or pushing the man off, Jungkook begins slowly trailing his shaky hand upward, soaking in, committing to memory the feel of Taehyung’s skin. Breathing is cumbersome and thick, the room suddenly unbearably hot. His heart rate has quadrupled, and his mind is racing, pushing, warning him to do the right thing.

There’s a magnetic pull, an unseen force of attraction drawing him deeper into Taehyung’s web, keeping him in place, and he can’t fight it. His hand slithers further up the tantalizing olive skin, and he’s drowning. Another soft moan escapes Taehyung’s lips as the man unconsciously burrows deeper into Jungkook’s skin. He’s so fucked. He watches helplessly as his last thread of willpower frays at the edges and snaps. 

Taehyung’s all heat and fluffy-cloud-softness. Whimpers and whines of contentment are falling from his lips, and Jungkook’s human and a man with needs. _What’s he supposed to do with that? How can any reasonable person not react?_ Taehyung lips are so close, so fucking close, All he has to do is lower his head just a bit, and… 

“Fuck!” 

Jungkook drops his head back against the couch and pulls Taehyung’s shirt down, then thanks every deity he knows for giving him the strength to stop. They stay like that, Jungkook barely breathing, body aching with need, and Taehyung burrowed into his chest until the older man finally stirs awake. 

“Oh,” It’s all Taehyung says when he opens his eyes surveying his surroundings. 

“Is it always like this?” The question tumbles out of Jungkook’s mouth like an escapee in a prison break. 

“What?” 

“Us, waking up together, does…did it always feel this?” His voice is thick with emotions that he doesn’t have the right to express. 

“Feel like what?” He hears the tremble in Taehyung’s voice.

“Like. Like I never want to let you go. Does it, did it always feel like this?” 

“Yes,” Taehyung answers after what feels like years, and it’s a whisper that tumbles into Jungkook’s gut, shaking him to the core with the force of a category five hurricane. 

He feels Taehyung stiffen and he tightens his grip, holding the sandy-haired man in place. 

“Don’t. Please don’t.” He’s not sure what he’s begging for, but he can’t let go not yet, “Just a little while longer, please.” It hurts to talk, to think, to let Taehyung go. 

“What do you want from me Jungkook?” Taehyung’s voice breaks around the question, but he doesn’t pull away, doesn’t try to escape. 

 _‘Everything.’_ It’s what Jungkook wants to answer, would answer, but the ache in Taehyung’s tone is like arrows piercing his soul, and he knows he doesn’t have the right, hasn’t earned to right to give the reply. So he doesn’t answer, but he also doesn’t let go. 

He waits for Taehyung to break the hold, to escape, to pull away, but the action never comes. They stay quiet, still, wrapped up in each other’s arms like a caterpillar in a cocoon, cozy and warm. For the billionth, trillionth time Jungkook wonders how he forgot Taehyung, how anyone ever could forget Taehyung. It doesn’t make sense, none of this..it just doesn’t make sense. 

Taehyung’s everything he’s ever wanted. _Everything_. He wants to know why he left. He wants to know why he forgot, but more than anything he wants to know how he can get back all that he lost, everything he gave up. He wants it _all_ back. 

“I’m going to remember Taehyung, because, because…I want this, waking up like this. I want to find out why I broke us so I can fix it.” He swallows hard when he feels warm liquid on his chest, as tiny tremors rock Taehyung’s body. “I hurt you, and I have no idea why, but if I remember Taehyung, if I do – is there a chance…a chance we can start over?”

 

********* A/N********

For your patience you have all earned the right to yell at me. You can do it[ here](lulublu1014.tumblr.com)


	6. Blur The Lines, It's Okay We're FIne (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Namjoon's the first to take Jungkook on the trip down memory lane.  
> What Jungkook discovers, makes him feel more guilty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's some background Namjoon and Jungkook are childhood friends. Their friendship suffered a lot when Jungkook left Tae. This chapter is emotional, but I hope not overly so. Also, drunk anger Jungkook may be a bit of a dick, but cut him some slack he's hurting. I may have listened to BARBRA STREISAN's The Way We Were... a lot while writing this chapter, for reasons. I'll fight anyone who says that song isn't sad. 
> 
> As always a big THANK YOU to the wonderful to Bug (bugarungus on AO3) for making this English. She's a great author guys, go check her out. Please comment and kudos if you like or want to support this story. I appreciate it. 
> 
> Happy Reading,  
> Lulu

“You okay?” It’s the fourth time Namjoon has asked Jungkook the question since picking him from his… no, Taehyung’s house.

Truth be told, he’s not okay. He hasn’t been okay since waking up in a hospital to the most beautiful human he’s ever seen in his entire life (or at least what he remembers of his life) staring back at him with worried eyes, only to find out that he’s the reason that the man had lost his smile.  Then there’s Namjoon, sitting directly in front of him, and staring in that way that makes Jungkook feel like a child who’s just been reprimanded. He feels guilt towards the older man, like he’s done something that he needs to apologize for, only he has no idea what it is.

“Why do I feel like I need to say I’m sorry to you, hyung?” he caves and asks the question.

“Because you do,” Namjoon’s reply is simple but comes with no explanation.

“Why?”

Jungkook watches in silence as Namjoon pushes the black framed glasses further up on his nose. The older man then sighs and focuses his gaze in Jungkook’s direction.

“I’ll answer that question if you answer this one. Does this place seem familiar?”

Jungkook glances around. He and Namjoon are sitting in a red, semi-circular booth. The lighting is low but not dark, and there’s a full kitchen serving cooked food. Jungkook’s stomach growls when a waitress walks past him with the largest hamburger he’s ever seen. Namjoon chuckles and Jungkook sees his shoulders shaking in his peripheral vision.

“You hungry?” Namjoon questions.

He is hungry.

“Mmm,” he hums a response.

Namjoon beckons a server to their table.

“Burgers and beers?” Namjoon looks at him and arches his brows.

“Sounds great, hyung.” Jungkook nods in the affirmative.

The waitress is friendly, and Jungkook doesn’t miss the way she openly flirts with Namjoon. He also doesn’t miss the older man’s discomfort at the attention.

“She’s cute, hyung, and clearly interested,” Jungkook tells Namjoon when the woman walks away.

“You honestly don’t remember anything that’s related to Taehyung, do you?” Namjoon seems sincerely surprised, and Jungkook’s confused as to how that has anything to do with the flirty waitress. “I’m in a relationship... with Taehyung’s brother Jin.”

Jungkook’s lips form an o, he’s shocked, and there’s a reason, but he doesn’t know what it is. There’s a whisper in his ear, in his mind, telling him there’s something about this statement that’s meaningful, that he had issues with in the past. Maybe it’s the reason he and Namjoon haven’t spoken in almost a year. They’re polite when meeting at social gatherings, making small talk, but it’s empty and void of any real friendship. He and Namjoon used to be inseparable; one wasn’t seen without the other. He had looked up to the older man as an older brother, like family. He loved Namjoon…and it dawns on Jungkook as he stares at the older man, currently fidgeting with his fingers and working at his bottom lip with his teeth, he still loves Namjoon. It changed one day, their friendship, and Jungkook can’t figure out why. A part of him wants to hug Namjoon, to hold on to the man, to go back to the comfortable relationship they once shared before whatever occurred that broke them apart.

“It’s Taehyung, isn’t it? The thing that caused our rift…it was Taehyung, wasn’t it?” Jungkook just guesses, but when Namjoon’s brows furrow and the blonde holds his head down, Jungkook knows he’s correct.

The silence in the air is thick, weighted, and uncomfortable. Jungkook shifts in his seat.

“It was over there.” Namjoon finally looks up, breaking the quiet. A long, slender finger points to the dance floor off to their left, now packed with people moving to the beat of the song being played by a music savvy DJ, and laughing. “The first time I saw him, Taehyung, he was beautiful, and I was enamored instantly.” Namjoon laughs as though the memory is funny.

“You liked Taehyung?” Jungkook knows the answer, he feels it in his gut, in the pit of his stomach, and it’s burdensome.

_Namjoon met Taehyung first._ The realization hits him like a ton of bricks, burying him further under his already mountain high guilt.

Jungkook doesn’t remember the events per se, but he knows that he came in later and (without meaning to) took Taehyung away. It’s hazy, like a distorted photo where you see the figures but can’t make out the individuals, and Jungkook blows at his bangs in frustration.

 

Namjoon watches Jungkook’s facial expression from his vantage point across the table. He knows the younger is hurting; after all this time and distance that has passed between them, he’s surprised that he can still read the younger like a book. He feels sympathetic, and he doesn’t want to. Jungkook brought this on himself, and even if a part of Namjoon understands why the man believed he needed to break up with Taehyung, it still doesn’t erase all the havoc Jungkook wrought in their tight-knit group. Sighing, he lets his hand slide from his mouth back down to the table and continues staring. Jungkook looks like a lost puppy, and Namjoon feels guilty. He wishes he had stuck to his original plan to bail on this whole trip down memory lane idea.

 

 

**TWO HOURS PRIOR**

“I’m not going.” Namjoon knows he sounds like an impudent child.

“Yes, you are.” Jin’s reply is firm, almost parental.

Namjoon sighs and runs a hand through his uncombed hair. Jin laughs before leaning over to pat down what Namjoon assumes is stray strand running amuck (as his hair often does). His thoughts feel unorganized. He and Jungkook haven’t spoken seriously since the day Taehyung called Jin crying hysterically to tell him that Jungkook had walked out.

 

That day Namjoon had run out of the apartment immediately upon hearing the news. He knew where Jungkook would be, and he knew (or thought he did) that Jungkook would never leave Taehyung without a valid reason.

He found Jungkook at their spot, Namjoon’s family restaurant, sitting in a corner, drowning his sorrows in several (Namjoon counts six) bottles of Soju.  The chair screeches along the floor as he pulls it out to sit down. Jungkook doesn’t look up, doesn’t turn in his direction. Instead, Jungkook pours some liquid into a shot glass and pushes it towards Namjoon.

“Quite a collection you have there,” Namjoon points out, looking up as a waitress (who smiles at him sympathetically) places another bottle of the alcoholic beverage on the table.

“It’s a lie, you know,” Jungkook starts; Namjoon sits quietly waiting for him to continue, “that alcohol dulls the pain. It doesn’t; my brain feels like mush, but my heart still feels like there’s a knife wedged in it being slowly twisted by an invisible hand.” Jungkook throws his head back, chugging another shot; he makes a hissing sound as he swallows.

“Why’d you do it then?” Namjoon looks at him; it’s the most broken he’s ever seen the other man.

Jungkook is the very definition of an oxymoron, the living breathing embodiment of contradiction. The younger man’s exterior is refined, strong, and aloof. If someone were to judge him by his looks, they would be sorely incorrect. Inside, Jungkook’s soft, insecure, and easily hurt.

“It’s was the right choice.” He hears the doubt immediately in Jungkook’s tone.

“The right choice?”

“Hyung, I worked hard to get where I am, you know?” Jungkook stops to take another drink.

“Taehyung, Tae…he’s happy, comfortable, where he wants to be. Do you know he wants us to settle down, to like, just, live life together, like we’re married or some shit like that,” Jungkook babbles on, saying words with no actual meaning behind them.

“I’m sorry, what?” Namjoon is genuinely confused. “Are you breaking up with Taehyung because you’re scared of settling down? Because if that’s what you’re saying, then that’s bullshit and you know it.”

At that Jungkook finally looks up, and there’s fire in his eyes. Namjoon knows, knows he should have done something to defuse the rage that he saw in the man’s dark orbs, but he’s heated and angry. Taehyung was his first; he’d given up the man because the moment Taehyung looked at Jungkook, Namjoon knew he didn’t stand a chance. So, he walked away; he handed beautiful, innocent Taehyung over to the one person he trusted to cherish the boy. This, _this bullshit reason Jungkook’s giving is fucking unacceptable._

“You mad, hyung?” Jungkook’s baiting him, and he shouldn’t fall for it. Namjoon knows this routine, knows it’s because the man is in pain. He knows what’s happening, but is so blinded by his own building anger, he falls for it anyway.

“Fucking right, I’m mad. Your reason is crap, and don’t pretend it’s not.” Namjoon’s answer is louder than he intends and he shrinks down in his seat when people turn to stare.

“Why the fuck didn’t you fight to keep him then, hyung? Why’d you let me have him?” He hears the pain in Jungkook’s voice, he does, and he still chooses to ignore it.

“Because I thought you’d be good to him, but clearly I was wrong.” Jungkook stares at him hard for a moment before holding his head down once again.

“Did you come here for me, or did you come here because of Taehyung?” The question is almost a whisper, but he hears it loud, booming, like Jungkook’s yelling through a megaphone. The sadness in Jungkook’s tone calms the storm that’s growing inside of Namjoon.

“I came here because I know you’re hurting, because this is not what you want. You love him, Jungkook. I need to understand why you’re destroying the best thing that’s happened to you?”

“Do you know, he has a smile just for me?” Jungkook throws back another shot, “Just for me, hyung. His eyes sparkle differently around me, but I don’t…I mean, do mine? I don’t know. Do I have a smile that’s just for him? I’m twenty-two hyung, should I have a smile that’s reserved for just one person?”

“I get that commitment is scary, Kook, but this is not the answer. You’ll regret it later but be too stubborn to do anything to change it. I don’t want to watch you and Taehyung live with a piece of yourselves missing.”

“You can just step in and fill the void for him. It’s what you’ve always wanted anyway.”

The words are sharp and stab like a knife, but he’s not giving in to the heat that once again begins to pool in his gut. Namjoon knows this is how Jungkook deals with pain; he lashes out, trying to hurt those around him, pushing them away so he can wallow in his self-pity. He takes a deep breath before responding.

“Okay. I’m gonna ignore that. I know you’re hurting. Taehyung loves you, not me. I dealt with my feelings for him the day I let him go. I never once looked back in yearning. The way you two looked at each other was enough for me to know he was never mine. I know it’s scary, Jungkook, but running away from Taehyung is not the answer.” Namjoon leans in closer, trying to keep the conversation just between them.

“Hyung, just because you’re happy with your Taehyung replacement doesn’t mean I want to settle,” Jungkook spits out, and Namjoon for all his logic and calm can’t see past the glare of red that now colors his vision at Jungkook’s words.

“I came here for you, for you. Because I know this isn't you, because I know that you're hurting, because I'm the closest thing you have to family. But, I’m done. This is where I draw the line. I can take you lashing out at me, but not Jin. He’s not a replacement. I love him, and unlike you, I’m not afraid to take a chance with the person I love.” Namjoon drops a few dollars on the table, then turns and waves to his mother standing behind the counter. Before walking away he says, “Figure it out on your own. I’m through.  For good.”

 

 

“Look,” Jin’s fingers are lifting his chin, effectively breaking the hold of the memory, “you miss him, and he needs you. Plus, I’m his doctor, and I’m ordering you.”

“Ordering, huh?”

“Yup,” Jin chuckles and stretches across the table to place a kiss on his cheek, “and I reward people who obey my orders very, very nicely.” Jin wiggles his eyebrows, and Namjoon laughs out loud. “Jungkook’s lost right now, and you’re his anchor, not just in the present, but the past as well. He needs someone that’s been constant because even when you two weren’t talking, you were always on his side. You may not be blood-related, but he’s as much your little brother as Tae is mine. So, go help him find what he’s lost, and when he does, be there to help him handle his guilt.”

“I love you, so much.” Namjoon’s voice breaks. He leans across the table to kiss Jin’s plump lips.

“Also, I expect to be rewarded handsomely for my obedience.

“Oh, you will be, trust me.” Jin winks as he gets up from the table. “Text me later and let me how it goes. I gotta run; I’ve got rotations in an hour. Love you.”

“Right back at you, babe.” Namjoon shoots finger guns at Jin and chuckles when the man rolls his eyes.

 

 

“You sure you’re okay?” Namjoon asks the question for what feels like the hundredth time.

And.

“No, no I’m not.” Jungkook _finally_ answers honestly. “All of this sucks like rotten eggs. What did I do hyung? I lost you; I lost Taehyung. I… I’m a stranger in my own body. What did I do? I ask myself that question every day, and I’m so scared of the answer because I know I did it. I broke it, and shit, it must have been bad for you to leave me.”

“I never left you, Jungkook; I couldn’t if I tried. We’re family. I always kept tabs on you, maybe not directly, but subtly asking around to make sure you were fine. It killed me to not be there for you, but you pushed so hard that last conversation we had... I just needed space. I never expected it would be a year long.” He honestly never thought it would last this long, their rift.

There were days Namjoon thought about apologizing, about being the one to extend the olive branch of peace, but then he’d remember the way Jungkook brought Jin into the conversation and the sting would come. By the time he was level headed enough, so much time had passed that it felt awkward.

“I’m sorry, hyung, truly sorry for whatever it was I did. I’m not sure how I’ll make it up to you, but I will.” Jungkook sounds like he’s on the edge of tears.

“I know this is frustrating, Kook, but if anyone can overcome this, you can. Also, I’m not the person you need to apologize to.”

“He told me not to anymore; he says I can’t apologize until I remember so that I know why I’m apologizing.

Namjoon laughs.

“Sounds like Tae.”

“It does, doesn’t it?” Jungkook’s responds easily and without any thought.

“Wait. Do you remember something?” Namjoon sits up straight, eyes focused on Jungkook. The younger man seems frozen, brows furrowed.

“Not really, just a feeling. Like how I know one plus one is two. I know that that’s something Taehyung would say.”

“That’s a start,” Namjoon responds supportively and is reward with a shy smile.

“Can you tell me about it, hyung, the first time you saw Taehyung?”

He eyes Jungkook for a bit and sees the eagerness mixed with fear in the boy’s eyes. It makes him weak; he’s always been a bit weak for the kid, probably why he never fully threw the boy away after their fight. He smiles, remembering how shy Jungkook was as a kid. There are remnants of that Jungkook peeping out now, and Namjoon sees hope on the horizon.

“I can’t give you specifics. Tae was very clear that he wants you to remember, not for us to lead you there. I’m going to abide by those rules. We owe him that.” He doesn’t miss the way Jungkook smiles or the way his eyes light up at the word “we.”

The younger nods.

“That night you didn’t want to go out so  I left you home and met up with Yoongi and Hoseok, here. It was loud and hella crowded, and for a brief moment, I wished I had stayed home with you. You know how clumsy I get in crowds.” Namjoon chuckles when Jungkook gives him a knowing look and nods again. “I was just about to tell Yoongi I was leaving when I looked up and saw him, Taehyung. God, he was beautiful, like artwork come to life. I must’a been staring too long because he catches me, and I swear the smile he gave me took my breath away. You know the one, right? It’s square and boxy and makes his eyes look like lit diamonds?”

It’s become a habit over the past few minutes for him to speak and for Jungkook to nod in agreement.

“Anyway, it has me frozen in place, the smile,  like I legit couldn’t move. Then he’s walking toward me, and everything inside me is screaming, high pitched, like a girl. Yoongi saved my life that night because right before Taehyung makes it to where I’m standing glued to the floor, Yoongi slaps me on the back and says, ‘breathe.’ We get to talking, well, he gets to talking, like he does. Man, that kid can chat people up,” Jungkook chuckles and the smile that accompanies it reaches his eyes, and Namjoon realizes how much he’s missed it, that smile. “It’s good to see you do that Kook, smile. I’ve missed that bunny chuckle of yours.”

“I do not have a bunny chuckle,” Jungkook retorts.

“Unfortunately, you’re incorrect about that. Anyway, he’s talking, and I’m staring, hard. Then I look up and there you are, walking through the door like you own the joint. I remember thinking, why’s he so damn good looking? You see me and wave, so I wave back, and the rest, the rest Jungkook, is for you to remember. But I'll give you this one nugget: when Taehyung turns around, and your eyes meet, the look on your face, well, it was like that one Christmas when your dad got you the full Ironman costume. It was love at first sight, Kookie, for both of you.”

“I remember that Christmas, and I remember that look. I remember his…” Jungkook’s eyes grow saucer wide. “H O L Y  S H I T! Hyung, I remember Taehyung's eyes!

 

**********************************************************

Mem'ries,  
Light the corners of my mind  
Misty water-colored memories  
Of the way we were  
Scattered pictures,  
Of the smiles we left behind  
Smiles we gave to one another  
For the way we were

/sings loudly and horribly at the top of lungs/

come sing along with me on [Tumblr](lulublu1014.tumblr.com) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/lsgrlr). 


	7. Blur The Lines, It's Okay We're Fine (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hoseok and Jungkook are awkward together  
> Despite that, he may be the key to unlocking Jungkook's memories.
> 
> or
> 
> Jungkook discovers why he loves Indian food

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers, your patience with me is a blessing that I can never repay. I hope you enjoy the update. Please comment and let me know what you think. As, always a BIG thank you to Bug, without you, my words would just be unintelligible letters.

Some people aren’t meant to be friends, lingering on the edge of each other as nothing more than acquaintances. This is how Jungkook feels about Hoseok. They’re not enemies; he doesn’t dislike the older man in any way, in fact, they share the same circle of friends and are generally invited to the same functions. They have spent more than their fair share of time together, so the fact that they’re not closer is somewhat disconcerting. It can’t be helped; it seems there’s just a general mutual discomfort whenever they are around each other.

“You okay?” Taehyung’s voice pulls Jungkook from his thoughts.

“Mmm,” he hums a response.

“How was your time with Namjoon hyung, did it help you remember anything?” Taehyung looks hopeful, and Jungkook contemplates whether to answer the question truthfully or not.

“Nothing about our past, but I remembered something unique to you.” He keeps his voice steady, not wanting the betray the excitement that still bubbles within him at the memory of Taehyung’s gaze.

Taehyung turns, eyes wide in what Jungkook can only assume is surprise.

“About me? You remember me?” Taehyung's voice is barely above a whisper.

“I remember your eyes. Nothing tangible or specific, just brief moments, fragments, you know; just things like the way they shine when you smile or the glint of mischief that twinkles in them at times. I, uhm,” Jungkook wishes he hadn’t opened his mouth because now he needs to say everything. “I remember sadness too, when the sparkle disappears. I wish I didn’t have that memory because a part of me knows I’m the cause.”

There’s a stilled silence, a heaviness in the air, and Jungkook’s finding it hard to breathe. He wonders how many times he made Taehyung cry, how many times he single-handedly dimmed the light in the man’s eyes.

“Not always,” Taehyung answers, holding his head down, and Jungkook releases the breath he’s been holding. “You didn’t always make me cry, Jungkook, in fact, we laughed a lot. We were happy more than we were sad.”

They sit quietly at the breakfast table, each trying to avoid the other’s gaze. Much to Jungkook’s surprise, neither of them makes a move to leave or escape. The moment feels charged like a live wire, and there’s a shift, a change, albeit a subtle one. Something’s different. Maybe it’s because Taehyung looks soft, so soft sitting across from him at the table, the sun's rays peeking in from the window casting a spotlight on the boy, crowning him in a halo of light. Jungkook swallows hard around the lump in his throat, stunned by Taehyung’s beauty.

“I’m glad,” he finally gets words to pass through his lips. “I hate thinking that I’m the cause of all your unhappiness.” He licks his lips and leans forward. The urge to grab Taehyung’s hand is great, almost overwhelming, but he doesn’t do it. “I want to remember, Taehyung. I want to fill all these empty gaps in my life, but mostly I just want to remember you, not just your smile, but your taste and your smell and the way we were together. I want all of it back. Every time I look at you I feel like I’ve been robbed—l just…I just want it back.” He slouches back in his seat.

He doesn’t have the right to feel like this, Jungkook thinks silently to himself as he sits back, continuing to survey Taehyung. He, from what he's been learning, is the proximate cause of this distance, of them no longer being together.

A stray tear travels down Taehyung’s face, and Jungkook notices it the moment it appears, he’s so intently staring at the older boy. This time when he leans forward, bending over the table until he’s so close he can feel Taehyung’s ragged breath hitting his skin, creating goose bumps, he does touch.

“I miss you so much,” Taehyung cries. “It hurts, and it sucks because you don’t deserve it, you don’t. It’s been a year, and I’m not over you. I should be, but I’m not. Every day since the day you walked out, Jungkook, I’ve missed you, and I hate myself for it; which is stupid, because I should hate you instead—but I don’t. I just miss you.”

Silk, it’s what Taehyung’s skin feels like under the tips of his fingers, and Jungkook marvels at the sensation. Words aren’t forthcoming, and even if he could form sentences, he’s not sure how to respond. Instead, he continues stroking Taehyung’s skin and wiping Taehyung’s tears and drowning in Taehyung’s beauty.

It happens unconsciously, naturally, without any thought or premeditation, him moving closer and Taehyung tilting his head upward at just the right angle, lips trembling and tear stained lashes fluttering shut. Home, home is what Taehyung’s mouth feels like against his, warm and soft and welcoming. He’s home, and as Taehyung opens up, allowing his tongue entrance into the wet domain, Jungkook wonders again, and not for the last time, why he ever left.

When they pull apart, Jungkook expects tension. He expects awkwardness, for Taehyung to look at him with accusing eyes. None of those things happen. They stay close, not touching or talking until Taehyung breaks the silence.

“Please remember, Kookie, please. I need you to remember.” With those words, the older man gets up from the table, leaving Jungkook alone.

He inhales and nods his reply, even though he knows Taehyung doesn’t see the response. He sits back in his chair, picking up the cell phone to the left of him on the table. He shoots a quick text to Hoseok. He’d been contemplating putting off the visit, maybe saving Hoseok as the last of the trip down memory lane, but he decides against it. Taehyung’s suffered a great deal because of him, and although he deserves the man’s hatred, he misses Jungkook and wants him to remember. _Taehyung wants this_ , and Jungkook sorely wants to give Taehyung everything he desires.

 

**_To: Hoseokhyung_ **

_What time today, hyung?_

 

Jungkook waits for a reply and wonders if Hoseok has been thinking about canceling as well. He doesn’t wait long for a response.

 

**_From: Hoseokhyung_ **

_How about 2?_

_We can grab lunch at that Indian place you like._

 

**_To: Hoseokhyung_ **

_K_

 

Jungkook smiles at the text. It’s weird to him that Hoseok knows what he likes and has always been the one who strives to alleviate the awkwardness in their relationship. _Am I the problem?_ Jungkook wonders to himself as he gets up from the table. It’s eleven in the morning; he wants to get a run in before he showers and starts the day. He needs to clear his mind. The ghost of Taehyung’s lips still lingers, as do the soft whines that escaped the man’s sinful mouth. Jungkook doesn’t want to admit it because he feels like he hasn’t earned the right to do so, but he wants Taehyung, wants him so badly it physically aches.

 

The menu loosely gripped in his hand is sticky. He peruses the food options which are written in three languages, English, Korean and Hindi. Jungkook wishes he knew how to read the latter. Hoseok had come to pick him up some thirty minutes ago, and after a brief chat with Taehyung, they reached their destination. Jungkook has, for the last ten or so minutes, been searching for an answer to the question Hoseok posed not even ten minutes after they were seated.

It’s a simple enough question: _How did you come to like Indian food?_ It’s a query that Jungkook can’t seem to find the answer to. What he can answer, however, is _what_ he likes about Indian food, the rich aroma, the mix of spices as they burst along his palette in a kaleidoscope of flavor. He can answer the what all day long. The how, well, that’s proving more difficult.

He looks up at Hoseok and contemplates asking the man for help, a tiny clue, anything because now, now the not knowing is just going to bother him, grate at his mind and soul like fingernails on a chalkboard.

"I don't bite you know. Stop being so timid around me," Hoseok states bluntly.

The man’s always been very straightforward, and that, Jungkook thinks, is part of what makes their relationship uncomfortable. Jungkook's not a sharer; he doesn't wear his emotions on his sleeve, preferring instead to hide behind well-crafted masks. Hoseok, Jungkook believes, doesn't wear masks.

"I know, it's just that I'm never sure where I stand with you, hyung," Jungkook starts. "I feel like you're not sure how you feel about me, like you're not sure if you like me or not. I'm just not sure where I stand."

Jungkook sighs. He’s rambling, and he sounds crazy; maybe he is crazy. He regrets going through with the meetup.

"Look, you and I have never really been close." Hoseok licks his lips, and Jungkook notices for the first time how chapped they are. "I mean, not in the way that you are with Namjoon or Jimin. But that doesn't mean I don't care about you, kid. You're part of a group of people who are very special to me, and as much as I hate to admit it, it felt weird not having you around this past year."

Jungkook stares at Hoseok; he's not sure how to respond. The older man’s a path that Jungkook’s never been sure about how to navigate, so to have Hoseok be this open, this bare, has him completely taken off guard. He can’t find the words to say what he’s thinking, but he doesn’t need to. Hoseok starts speaking again.

"Look, this may be an unpopular opinion, but I respect what you did. I respect that you took a step away. Not the leaving Taehyung part, that was jerk-ass move, but I do respect that you didn't make us choose sides; you didn't force Taehyung to find news friends. I think it was brave that you were the one that left, especially since the majority of us knew you first." Hoseok laughs, and Jungkook assumes it's due to the dumbstruck look on his face. "You don't remember do you, having that conversation with us? Telling us you were going to take some time away from the group? You shouldn’t, to be honest, you were drunk off your ass. I didn't expect you'd remember it the next morning, but you did.”

“I-I told you guys that?” He stares at Hoseok; his eyes feel like they’re going to pop out his head.

“Yup, called an official meeting and everything. Used a few choice curse words to describe yourself, all appropriate I might add. Then you apologized and said you didn’t want Taehyung to feel alone, and although we all knew you first, that you wanted us to not chose sides. Then you begged us to protect Taehyung.”

Hoseok stops talking for a moment and locks eyes with Jungkook.

There’s no judgment in the man’s orbs. In fact, there’s a gentleness that Jungkook has never seen before, at least not that he can remember.

“Look, Kook,” Hoseok continues, “I’m not sure what happened, why you left; that’s your bag of shit to sort through. What I do know is that even then, you loved him more than yourself. “ Hoseok sighs, and Jungkook takes the brief interlude to calm his thoughts. “So, Kook, I’ll ask you again. How did you come to like Indian food?”

He _finally_ gets it, Hoseok’s not asking because he’s suddenly interested in his eating habits. Taehyung, the answer’s somehow tied to Taehyung. Closing his eyes, he leans back in the chair and inhales deeply, allowing the aroma of his surroundings to sink inside of him, like an anchor falling to the ocean floor. Pictures flitter across his brain, like gifs or clips from a cut up movie scene. He chooses one, grabbing it from the space in his mind where it’s floating, and he focuses on the moment, forcing his memory back to recall it.

“Taehyung.”

The scene plays out before him like a movie.

Tears pool at the corners of his eyes. He blinks, allowing the liquid to fall and run down his cheeks.

“Taehyung,” he whispers the name again. “It was our first date. I wanted burgers and fries, but he said we could have that anytime, that our first real date needed to be special, that we should do something neither of us had done before and make a memory that was just ours. I like Indian food because it reminds me of Taehyung. Oh God, hyung, why the fuck did I leave? Why? Why?”

“I don’t know, Kook,” Hoseok’s voice is a whisper in his ear. The man has moved and is somehow right next to him, and Jungkook drops his head on Hoseok’s shoulder. “But I swear, we’re going to help you find out. We kept our promise and protected Taehyung, and now, now we’re protecting you as well.”

He nods.

He remembers something.

It’s all that’s needed. This one memory is all it takes.

And, Jungkook, Jungkook _finally_ allows the floodgates to break.

 

********************************************************************************************************************

All the places you can visit me: [Twitter](https://twitter.com/lsgrlr), [Tumblr](lulublu1014.tumblr.com), and [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/lulublue). Stop by let's get acquainted. 


	8. Finding Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jin and Jungkook have a talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for sticking out this story with me. This chapter is a bit angst ridden, but Jungkook makes some very important discoveries.

The white walls are bright, too bright, as though the sun is hiding behind the stucco structure, causing it to shine from the inside out. Jungkook blinks once, twice, staring, almost mesmerized by the dazzling glow. The exam room is cold and sterile, and he wonders if there’s a special white paint that’s just for hospitals and doctors’ offices. When he blinks for the third time, Jungkook’s eyes fall from the white structure before him and land on Kim Seokjin, his doctor and Taehyung’s brother. Guilt fills him, and it’s the high tide rolling in, crashing against the shores of his heart and soul.

The air between them is thick, heavy, weighing Jungkook down and threatening to push him through the paneled wood floors. They haven’t conversed beyond the doctor-patient necessity. The cuff around his upper arm starts to tighten. The apparatus is like a noose around his arm, and he momentarily ponders whether the doctor has somehow tampered with the device.

“Take a deep breath,” Jin orders, and Jungkook obeys instantly without making the mistake of looking the man in the eye.

Jin places the stem of the stethoscope on his chest. The cold of the metal seeps in through his cotton tee, and Jungkook jumps, startled at the contact.

“Sorry,” Jin says, and Jungkooks wonders if he means it sincerely or if the man’s just being polite. “Okay, your vitals are good. Near perfect. How are things going? Has any portion of your memory come back?” the doctor asks, leaning back in his chair which squeaks under the pressure.

“Uhm, yes and no. I have flashes and things that I know are true but not actual memories that go with them. Does that make sense?” Jungkook’s hot under the collar. Defeat and disappointment have become he close companions. He’s trying; he wants to remember, but apart from the times with Hoseok and Namjoon, he’s no closer to remembering what he’s forgotten.

It’s a staring match now, with Jin looking at him and Jungkook trying to avoid the eye contact. The problem is that Jin has that thing, the same thing that Taehyung has, the thing where even if you don’t want to, you can’t look away. Jin’s eyes are kind but stern as they take him in. Jungkook has a million and one, make that two, questions that he wants to ask. Things he wants to know, things that Jin could answer, but he doesn’t ask, doesn’t move, and is almost too afraid to breathe.

Jin inhales. It’s weighted, and Jungkook prepares himself, holding his head down.

“I thought about letting another doctor handle your case when they brought you into the ER that night,” Jin starts, and Jungkook says nothing, “but I knew if I did, Namjoon and Taehyung would never forgive me.” The doctor laughs, and it feels like a bee sting to Jungkook.

Jin tsks, clicking his tongue, and Jungkook looks up to find the man staring, yet again. It’s unnerving. He looks back down and fidgets with his fingers. Jin sighs loudly, and Jungkook forces himself to keep his gaze on his hands. Jin begins to speak.

“When you left, it broke Taehyung, devasted him.” Jin sighs yet again, and Jungkook looks through his lashes, watching as the man runs a hand through his soft looking golden brown hair. “He doesn’t smile like he used to or laugh like he used to; I was angry at you for taking that away. In some ways I still am, I guess. I was sure you didn’t care, that you weren’t suffering the way he was, and I thought several times about finding you and beating the shit out of you. Namjoon, he saved you. He told me you were hurting, that you just dealt with pain differently. I didn’t believe him, not really, not until you woke up, looked at Taehyung, and had no idea who he was. That was the moment I knew that leaving hurt you more than it ever did Tae.”

“Why didn’t you?” Jungkook finds his voice and a bit of bravery. “Why didn’t you find me? Every day since opening my eyes and seeing Taehyung hovering above me with worried eyes, I've wondered why I left. It makes no sense. Why did you even treat me? More than all of that, why did you send me to live in Taehyung’s house? Isn’t that just hurting him more?”

Jin laughs, and it’s forced, as though he’s trying to cover up the answer he truly wants to give.

“I’m not sure, to be honest. I know in my head that I made the right choice, but even now it feels like I’ve betrayed Taehyung.” Jin’s eyes are cast downward.

“How can this be the right decision? I don’t understand.”

“Because, Jungkook, you both need to either move on or figure this out, whatever it is.” Jungkook wants to understand Jin’s response, but he can’t. “Look,” Jin starts again and leans in closer. The action causes Jungkook to hold his breath. “Do you know why you remember everything in your life, _but_ Taehyung?”

Jungkook shakes his head.

“You don’t remember, Jungkook, because your body is an amazing machine that will do whatever is necessary to protect itself. You don’t remember, Jungkook, because the thought of Taehyung not being in your life hurts you so badly that you’d rather forget he ever existed than live knowing he’s not with you. You don’t remember, Jungkook, because your heart is splintered and broken and it’s just trying to keep itself safe.”

Jin slumps back in his chair, and Jungkook inhales and exhales, trying to regain his center. He feels off, lost like a branch in the sea, floating without direction.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did it. I don’t. I want to remember; I want to fix what I broke. I want to wipe away the pain I see in Taehyung’s eyes when he sees me. I want to give him everything he wants. I’m just… Sorry, for all of it.” The words tumble from his lips fast and furious, and he wishes that he could speak Taehyung’s happiness into existence, he wishes he could snap his fingers and make all the sadness he’s caused disappear.

“I’m not the person you need to apologize to, Jungkook.” Jin’s voice is gentle, soft, and the edge of anger Jungkook sensed earlier has faded.

“He doesn’t want me to apologize. He told me to stop,” he tells Jin.

“I wasn’t talking about Taehyung,” Jin informs him.

“Then who?” Jungkook looks at the man, confused.

“You, Jungkook. You need to start with yourself. Start with you; there’s a reason you’ve chosen to forget. Figure out what it is, and maybe then you can both heal.” Jin looks him for a moment, eyes searching, and Jungkook prays the man finds what he’s looking for. “I think it may be time to start incorporating your normal routine. I’m clearing you to return to work once a week, for now. Also, you should start going home a couple of days a week. It’s time to find yourself, not just the part that you lost.”

There’s something about Jin’s facial expression, something in the look, something that resonates inside Jungkook, bubbling underneath his skin. There’s a hidden message, something that the doctor’s not saying out loud.

“You think it will help, hyung?” Jungkook asks, and Jin’s eyes widen. Jungkook thinks it’s because of the familiar title. “Sorry, it slipped out. If you’re uncomfortable with me calling you that, I won’t,” he quickly apologizes.

“You know what sucks about this whole thing, Jungkook?” Jin asks without addressing Jungkook’s concerns. “It’s that I fucking like you. You and Tae are amazing together; you’re the only one that can make his eyes sparkle. I want to hate you for what you did, for how cowardly you were, but damn it to hell, I understand how overwhelming the thought of forever with one person can feel. Even Taehyung understood to some degree; it’s why he wrote that damn letter.”

Jungkook’s suddenly cold, his insides turning to ice, caught in a tundra at Jin’s words.

“L-l-l-etter?” His voice shakes as the word stutters out of his mouth. He’s trembling.

“Yes. The week before you ended up in the hospital, Taehyung wrote you a letter. Against my better judgment, but he said he needed you to know his heart. Wait… do you remember the letter? Did you read it?”

Jungkook has a flash; it’s not a memory per se. It’s more of a sensation, a feeling of complete and utter sadness. A scene plays in his mind. He’s in a bar, and he’s falling. He wants to die, is praying for death... then blackness.

“What did the letter say, hyung?” The question’s barely above a whisper.

The answer, Jungkook knows, is a secret, a nightmare, and the path of hope.

“Shit,” Jin blurts out, “you did, didn’t you?”

Jungkook can’t answer the question honestly, not really, yet he knows the answer is one hundred percent yes. He did read the letter, and it broke him, ripped his heart from his chest, shattering it like fallen glass.

“I, I think it’s why I went to the bar that night. What did the letter say hyung?”

Jin stands still, it seems like years before the man makes a move to respond.

“Find the letter, Jungkook. It’s all the help I’m willing to give you. When you do, bring back my brother’s smile. You fucking owe him that.” Jin inhales, then exhales, and Jungkook feels it as the man tries to center his emotions. “Also, you’re doing well. I’m happy with the progress you’re making. I’ll see you in two weeks.” With that, the man gets up and walks out of the exam room.

The room is quiet after Jin’s departure, and Jungkook takes a moment to gather himself before standing up and exiting. At the reception desk, he goes through the motions, zombie-like, smiling at the appropriate times and remembering to say thank you before leaving. Once seated on the bus, on his way to a place that’s not his home but feels like home to him, Jungkook _finally_ lets Jin’s statement sink in. _“You should start going home a couple of days a week. It’s time to find yourself, not just the part that you lost.”_

Home, _his home._ It dawns on him that he hasn’t thought about his house, not even one time since moving to Taehyung’s. Going back to his life has not for even the briefest of moments crossed his mind. It’s illogical. In his head he knows he can’t stay with Taehyung forever, but if truth be told, he hasn’t thought once, _not once_ , about leaving. Looking out the window, he watches the street fly past him in a blur. He makes a rash decision and pulls the cord two stops early. He bows to the driver as he steps off the bus.

The walk to his apartment is both familiar and strange; he knows the direction to go, yet he doesn’t feel the sense of connection or belonging that he feels when he steps through the doors of Taehyung’s home. The doorman smiles as he enters, inquiring as to his long absence. Jungkook nods, smiles but doesn’t reply. The fancy highrise is luxurious, and Jungkook feels somewhat like a burglar trespassing as he keys in his code and crosses the threshold into his apartment.

He stares blankly, taking in the landscape. There’s no warmth in the stainless steel appliances or retro-chic design of the living room. The room is picture perfect, like it was cut out of a magazine, but it’s cold and unfeeling. Jungkook shivers, pulling his hoodie closer to his body. He stands in the middle of the living room, unsure why he came, wondering what he’s looking for, realizing what he wants isn’t here. The thought of spending even one minute in the apartment has his stomach curling. The idea of spending an entire day and night away from Taehyung, no matter how strained their relationship may be, has tears burning at the corners of his eyes.

He rummages through the unopened mail he picked up on the way in. As he separates his bills from junk, Jungkook remembers Jin’s statement about Taehyung writing him a letter.

“It’s got to be here, somewhere, right?” he asks the empty space.

Another memory flashes through his mind, lightning fast: He’s sitting at the dining table, a piece of paper in his hand, and he’s crying. The letter, he needs to find it; he needs to know what it says. Scouring the apartment, Jungkook looks in all his usual places, but the note is nowhere to be found. He has turned the once pristine apartment upside down and has come up short. Oddly, the messiness of his once posh surroundings calms him somewhat.

Picking up his cell phone off the table, he makes a quick call to his boss to let him know he’s been cleared to work once a week. To his great relief, the man informs him that they’ve decided to let him work from home for the time being.

“I need you at two hundred percent when you come back to work.” His boss, Bang Shi Hyuk, is passionate about his job and doesn’t settle for anything less than perfection. It’s one of the reasons Jungkook respects the man.

They set up a tentative plan to have equipment sent out for Jungkook to work from home once a week. With his work schedule settled, Jungkook takes one last look around the now disheveled apartment. As he picks up a backpack filled with clothing it dawns on him that without Taehyung he’s as cold and unfeeling as the shiny appliances and fancy furniture in his house. He doesn’t belong here, not anymore. Jin’s right. He needs to find himself.

On the bus ride back to Taehyung’s, Jungkook pulls out his phone.

“Hyung,” he says once Taehyung answers. “Let’s do something tonight, just us. I’m craving Indian food. Would you like to have dinner with me?”

He fist pumps internally when the man’s answer is a shaky yes.

“Alright, I’ll be home soon.”

 

 

**********************************************A/N*******************************

Guys please come chat with me:[ twitter](https://twitter.com/lsgrlr) and [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lulublue)


	9. Second First Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jungkook and Taehyung have a second first date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, no one's more surprised than me. FINALLY an update.   
> Wanted to get this up for Tae's birthday. A big thank you to Bug for editing. She's also amazing.  
> Happy Birthday to the world's most lovely, boxy-smiled boy.   
> Please comment let me know what you think.

Taehyung’s a mixture of innocent schoolboy shy, with big doe eyes staring back at Jungkook, and drop-dead gorgeous  Adonis, carved out of stone by the gods, making Jungkook's brain stall, his words hiding from him. Jungkook’s mind is finding it difficult to consolidate the two very conflicting images of the man standing in front of him. He should speak; at the very least he should let Taehyung know he looks beautiful. The problem... the problem is that he’s having issues forming sentences. Hell, Jungkook’s having issues forming any thought at all. He’s just staring, glaring, not out of anger; no, out of shock—visual shock.

“I-is something wrong?” Taehyung’s eyes are wide and uncertain as he stands in front of Jungkook, Taehyung's teeth worrying his bottom lip.

Jungkook shakes his head; it’s all he can do because try as he might, he can’t get his mouth to work or his mind to process anything beyond the fact that Taehyung looks like he just stepped out of the pages of a high-class fashion magazine. The vision leaves Jungkook completely wrecked. He mumbles something which he knows is incoherent but hopes sounds like ‘you look amazing.’

It doesn’t.

Taehyung blinks in confusion, and Jungkook finds himself chuckling and thinks to himself how much he misses that look. _He knows the look._ Memories are strange creatures, awakened and brought to life like a fairy fluttering into the moonlight on the dreams of a child. The thought blasts Jungkook back to the past, one that he’s been struggling to remember. He’s drifting through space and time, pictures with missing pieces like an incomplete puzzle zipping across the movie screen in his mind.

When time finally stands still, he’s in the place he first saw Taehyung, and the memory is a bullet piercing through the depths of his medial temporal lobe and hitting the play button in the DVD player of his brain.

 

_Jungkook hates clubs, but loves dancing; it’s a conundrum that he’s long since accepted. He’d turned down his best friend and roommate when the older boy initially asked him if he wanted to go out with their group of friends. He hadn’t felt like dealing with crowds of strange people crushing him. Turns out sitting home alone is boring as hell. The first thing he notices when he walks through the doors of the club is the music. It’s loud and pounding in Jungkook’s ears, drowning out everything else around him._

_He spots Namjoon across the room; he waves at his friend who’s talking to someone. Jungkook can only see the back of the stranger’s head. He chuckles when Namjoon waves back at him with a big goofy smile on his face. He’s about to mouth something that he knows Namjoon won’t be able to see, something along the lines of, ‘you look like an uncoordinated Llama,’ but the words die on his lips when the stranger turns around._

_Jungkook’s not easily caught off guard; his MO is portraying a cool exterior no matter how freaked out he is on the outside. However, his façade takes a vacation, leaving him utterly vulnerable to the man standing next to Namjoon. The stranger isn’t merely good-looking; he’s ethereal, like an angel who’s fallen from the sky. Jungkook tries to find the right words, but neither stunning nor breathtaking seem to describe what he sees before his eyes._

_He’s turned into a statue, frozen in the middle of the floor, held in place by quizzical, soft brown eyes and a shy smile. Jungkook’s awakened from his comatose state when an unfamiliar voice apologizes for bumping into him._

_“Nah, nah, not a problem,” he assures the stranger who has long passed him._

_Time stands still, as though a scene in a movie. The lights are dim with romantic music playing in the background (in Jungkook’s mind), everyone else begins to slowly fade out of frame leaving just him and his earthbound angel in the room. He takes a shaky step in the man’s direction, his gaze never faltering, so hypnotized by the stranger. The closer he gets to his desired destination, the wilder and more erratic his heartbeat becomes, to the point that he worries he may fall into cardiac arrest before he meets his dream man._

_He takes another step._

_Then another step._

_They are face to face._

_His dream man smiles._

Someone clears their throat.

“Hey, you okay?” Taehyung’s worried tone breaks him from his dream state.

Looking up, his gaze falls on Taehyung’s warm brown eyes. and warmth like a perfect Summer’s day fills Jungkook. It’s the most peaceful he’s felt since waking up in a hospital room almost a month ago.

“Yeah, I’m good,” he responds, finally finding his voice.

He contemplates whether or not to tell Taehyung about the memory, but he decides against it, not wanting to raise the man's hopes.

“Y-you look incredible, Taehyung.” His voice cracks around the statement.

The smile he receives in reward is as bright as the sun, magnificent and illuminating all of Jungkook’s darkness. He captures the moment locking it in the treasure box of his heart, determined never to forget this look, this smile, or this moment in time.

“Uhm, thank you,” Taehyung answers shyly, barely there speckles of pink spread across the man’s cheeks and neck, and Jungkook fights the urge to reach out and caress Taehyung’s skin.

“I-I know part of the rules are that I remember on my own, and I promise I am doing things as you’ve requested. But, may I ask, and only answer if you want to, where did we go on our first date?” Jungkook prays he hasn't overstepped. Taehyung’s brows knit together thoughtfully, causing Jungkook to add quickly, “Again, you don’t have to answer but, and I know this is cheesy, I want to pretend, just for today, that I didn’t wake up in hospital without my memory, that this is our first date. I want to make a new memory with you, Tae, one that I’ll never forget.”

He can see Taehyung’s eyes soften as the crease in the man’s forehead disappears. Jungkook sighs silently in relief.

“It’s stupid that you have this much power over my emotions. Even after all you’ve put me through, I still can’t say no to you. Why is that?” There is no venom in the question. It feels as though Taehyung’s directing it to himself and not Jungkook.

“Sorr-“

“McDonalds,” Taehyung answers, cutting off Jungkook’s apology. Taehyung’s laughing, and Jungkook supposes it’s due to the dumbfounded look on his face.

“Seriously? I took you to McDonalds? And you continued to date me?” He can’t hide the shock he feels

Taehyung’s laughter grows exponentially, his body rocking with mirth. It’s the most beautiful sound Jungkook has ever heard and contagious as well. Before he knows what’s happening, he finds himself joining in and chuckling along with Taehyung.

“Yeah, you made us get all dressed up too. We were the most stylish patrons that night.”

“How the hell did I even convince you to go along with that?” Jungkook’s blown away by the news.

“You told me you wanted our first date to be about us getting to know each other, and not about impressing each other.”

“Wow, and you fell for that?” Jungkook says somewhat jokingly, albeit a little impressed by his own suaveness.

“You’re very charming when you want to be, Jeon Jungkook. Plus you pulled that doe-eyed thing, which you do so well, and like I said before, it’s tough to say no when you do that.” Again, Jungkook gets the impression that Taehyung is talking to himself.

“At the risk of looking like a total cheese ball, how do you feel about us going to McDonalds?”

Blinding?

Illuminus?

Earthshattering?

Jungkook’s not sure which word best describes the smile that plays on Taehyung’s lips, causing the man’s eyes to almost disappear. Maybe all three. Perhaps a word that has yet to be discovered. All Jungkook knows for sure is that it makes him happy.

“I’d love that,” Taehyung responds, and Jungkook remembers he needs to breathe.

Once words come back and his brain begins to work again, Jungkook responds.

“Alright then, let’s go. I thought we could go to the location in Seoul, then maybe go for a walk by the Han River when we’re done. I-I, uhm, I mean if you want to, we can just come back home.”

“I’d like that,” Taehyung answers immediately. “ To, uhm, walk. I like to walk.”

“Me too,” Jungkook answers equally as swiftly.

 

McDonalds isn’t crowded, and Taehyung can’t help but chuckle at the stares he and Jungkook are getting.  The setting is reminiscent of their first date, but the feeling is different. Jungkook is ordering, and he realizes that without telling the younger man what he wants, Jungkook ordered his favorite, quarter pounder with double cheese and a strawberry milkshake. It stuns Taehyung momentarily because he knows that Jungkook’s actions are on instinct and not from memory. In the year after the man left, without so much as a goodbye, he had believed that Jungkook had wholly erased him from his life. Not once did he think the younger man was hurting just as much as him—but now, watching silently, once again (like it always has) Jungkook’s action speaks louder than words.

He feels the tear falling down his cheek, and he wipes it (hopefully) inconspicuously. He doesn’t want Jungkook to see. Taehyung’s not sure he could explain his feelings adequately. Luckily Jungkook is too distracted by the menu to turn and look in his direction.

“Hyung, what should I get?” Jungkook asks, and again, for Taehyung it’s like their past jumping into the present and throwing him off kilter.

It’s Jungkook’s MO when they go out; he always knows what Taehyung wants but needs Taehyung’s opinion on what he should get for himself. He inhales and allows the smile on his lips to spread to his heart; he knows he shouldn’t hope, shouldn’t believe that the past can be redeemed. Yet here he stands, hoping against hope that this is a step to them finding their way back to each other.

“Mmm, how about the Big Mac? You like the special sauce.”

“Okay,” Jungkook doesn’t hesitate. He immediately orders.

Taehyung watches from his position just behind Jungkook as the girl at the register offers up her best smile, taking every opportunity she can find to bat her lashes and giggle. He feels bad for her, almost, because Jungkook remains utterly unphased by her actions. The younger man seems immune to every one of the girl's obvious tactics. Taehyung can’t even be mad at her; he gets it better than anyone.

“She was hitting on you, you know?” he informs Jungkook as they wait for the order to be prepared.

“Who?” Jungkook asks, genuinely confused.

“Her,” Taehyung tells him and nods his head in the direction of the young woman busily preparing their food.

“Really? I don’t think so, hyung.”

“I swear, Jungkook, how are still this oblivious to people’s interest in you?”

“I’m not. It’s just, just... when I’m with you, hyung, no one else matters. You are all I see, all my brain has space for, noth-“

Taehyung doesn’t allow Jungkook to continue. He’d meant to shut the younger man up with a finger to his mouth, so no one is more surprised than Taehyung when he quiets Jungkook’s words with his lips. The younger man has initiated every kiss - or near kiss - they've shared since Jungkook's abrupt reentry into his life. So, this moment means something to Taehyung. It’s an epiphany; it’s his heart telling him that despite his best efforts at pretending, he will now and forever belong to Jeon Jungkook. The thought should disappoint him; he should be mad at himself for being so easy when it comes to the boy who’s moaning in his mouth in the middle of McDonalds.

He’s not.

Lightning, striking like fiery darts, electrocuting him from the inside out, is the best way to describe the sensation Taehyung feels. Jungkook owns him; he always will. Jungkook’s lips are feather soft against his, like a whisper, barely there, yet the emotions it evokes in Taehyung are firm, rock hard, and thunderous. He doesn’t want soft; he wants, wants… he just wants more.

Jungkook kisses him gently, carefully, and Taehyung’s not having it, not now, not after all this time. He knots his fist at the back of Jungkook’s neck, pulling him harder against him.

“Tae,” Jungkook groans against his lips. “Shit, are you sure?”

He’s not.

He also can’t stop.

He moans softly around Jungook’s lips, his body trembling as one of the man’s hands lands on his hip, pulling him tighter to his body.

“Do you understand what you do to me?” Jungkook asks him, a choked whisper in his ear. “You’re a drug, Taehyung, you’ve always been. I’m addicted, and it scares the hell out of me. And yet, yet, I want you to consume me.”

_Always been._

The words cause him to pause.

Putting a hand on Jungkook’s chest, he tries to push himself off, but he fails, hard. Jungkook’s grip tightens, pulling him impossibly close, until not even air can pass between them. Angling his head, the younger man deepens the kiss, and now his lips are moving hungrily, greedily, no longer gentle. And Taehyung can’t fight, he doesn’t want to. He surrenders, gives in, and takes what he’s been wanting since Jungkook begged him not to leave that first day in the hospital.

The next words are ones he should regret.

He doesn’t.

He means them.

“Take me home, make me yours.”

Jungkook doesn’t hesitate, doesn’t look at the food sitting on the counter. Instead, Taehyung feels himself being pulled through the door with such force it makes his head spin. Tonight, just for tonight, he’s giving in, and he prays that tomorrow he doesn’t regret it.

 

************************************************************

come visit me and chat [Twitter](https://twitter.com/lsgrlr), [Tunblr](http://lulublu1014.tumblr.com/), and [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/lulublue)

**Author's Note:**

> These previews are a little mean, huh? Sorry. I get excited when a story goes in the direction I want, and then I want to share it with you guys so you can feel out the tone. This story was a request from my Tumblr page and I want to thank the person who requested it because it's been a challenge to write. I even got help from one of my favorite writers because I was worried I was not getting the angst. So thanks to bazooka for not laughing at me and for giving me awesome story tips. This may be up on Valentines as well, but no promises (I have a gazillion stories to update). Upvote, comment, and tell me what you think will happen (I am super curious). 
> 
> Also, follow me twitter here @lsgrlr or on Tumblr here https://www.tumblr.com/blog/lulublu1014


End file.
